5 Reasons I Don't Go Out at Night.

Ok, for the people who invite me out. Here are the top reasons why I flake out: 1. Drunk people freak me out. 2. Riding the trains alone at night with the weird drunk terrifies me. 3. I won't walk to a train station all by myself at night usually, and if I do I'm gripping my pepper spray. (Everybody says Germany is a safe place but I am somehow approached by the most creepiest of creeps. Just ask to look in my right hand pocket when I'm going home.) 4. I DO NOT DRINK! So an 11pm apple juice is better justified for me during daylight hours. 5. I DO NOT want to spend the night at your house and no, I won't kiss you.

Work on Saturday.

That's no fun.

I worked until 1800 yesterday and after closing up. I went home, dressed and headed downtown. Angie and I met up but it was kind of awkward. I only knew a few people at the party but I walked up to a few people and started chatting them up. It was kind of tense because she wouldn't open up and as much as I tried to include her, she remained quiet and abrasive, which was frustrating to me. I guess she says she can't just chat with strangers like I can. Anyway, I made some new friends. Two German dudes named Chris and Christoph. We talked about video games, philosophy, blah blah blah.

I went home around 1 and woke up early so I could get ready for work. It was a bunch of lame training of redundant crap and I ended up drawing pictures in every class to make the time go by faster... it didn't really work. I might go out tonight. I have a few options... coffee date, social gatherings, maybe food with the girls but I'm feeling a little bit lazy and want to catch up on reading.

Break my heart on a Friday, kid.

So one of my kids is leaving the Pre-K program and moving in with her mom for a bit. I am sure that's hard for dad, staying in Germany because it was just the two of them. She kept telling me, 'I will weeeeally miss you, Miss Conklin.' We drew pictures and told stories and it was fun. However, when dad came to pick her up she kind of lingered at my side. 'Miss Conklin?' I said  'What's wrong, baby?' She looked up and said with tears welling up, 'It's my yast day. I'll never see you again!' And she started to crumble. I scooped her up and just held her to me and she sobbed on my chest. Heart breaking. Dad was in uniform and put his hands over his face and just started weeping. Ms. Debbie started crying too. I couldn't cry though. I just held her and started whispering that everything would be wonderful and she'd make so many new friends and we'd never forget all the fun we had getting to know her. Oh man, tear my heart out, little girl. :(

No time for tears afterward. Little K was shaking with her eyes all glazed. I had wrapped her up in blankets prior because she wasn't feeling well and I kept her cradled in my lap until I could get a thermometer. Then there was the sad departure with my little friend. Anyway, when I took her temp it was 103.7 with only a few minutes before final pick up. This was the third high fever this week. I sent one of the babies home with 101.3 and so forth. I've grown accustomed to having little fire dragons resting on my chest and shoulders. Hopefully, I am immune. I just want my kiddos to feel better. I guess dad was going to take her to the hospital. I told him to take the blanket with them and just keep her comfortable.

Now I am supposed to get ready for a dress up party but I am just sooo exhausted and we have a mandatory staff call tomorrow morning. So I may flake out, like always.

Had lunch with Tariq today on my break from work. Other than that? Its been work alllllllll day long.

This is like my

Fourth or fifth date with this guy and I am still ending it with high fives and fake punches.

I was also talking to JP today whilst riding the bahn and he asked me, 'How long have you been writing?' I have been writing since I could, so probably about 7 or 8. It kind of made me wonder why I never really pursued a field in writing. I almost finished my degree in Journalism but I thought it would water down the sincerity in my art. I thought it would make it a chore rather than a vice. But after a while, doesn't all form of work become a chore. Writing was always easy for me.

I don't like the writing I do in here though. The raw and honest ramblings and listings of things I don't like or am not happy with. Oh well.

I tried to be a lady today but ended up laughing a lot and making jokes in the end. Gar. Fail.

Much better.

Counting tomorrows has surely paid off. I have also been forcing myself to be social.

I went to the gym T manages in Esslingen and it wasn't bad. Although, I will admit he made fun of me for having my kindle whilst working out. I have gained around 9 or 10 kilos, which is unsettling but easy to work off. Main focus, thighs, hips and arms.

What else? I got to talk to Alex a few times and that always cheers me up immensely. I miss my best friends and I love that I am loved.

I went to the doctor yesterday and a lot of my concerns and unanswered questions were put to rest. Relief.

I had a crazy post apocolyptic dream the other night. I was in a hotel celebrating some event and there was an earth quake. When I looked out one window I was in London circa Jack the Ripper days and the other end was New York. Burns and Schulz were there. I had a new flat and it was huge but I kept hiding in bathtubs and when I went out, I had to use magic and super powers. Doctor Who was there via Matt Smith and they kept cloning him so the clone could be a martyr and kill himself for the sake of the world. I offered him an umbrella but I wasn't sure if it was the clone or the real deal.

In the end I blew on my house and it turned to sand and ashes. There were no doors or windows and I walked out into a battlefield not knowing what was to happen next. Strange.

What else. I went out with my friend Chris and once he started talking about sex I shot him down. I told him I didn't like thinking or talking about sex because it was the furthest thing from my mind. It really is too.

I got a new dress in the mail. Awesome!

Fevers with The Witcher 2

Me: Oh God, Sex again? Kill. Kill. Oh wait. Moar boobs? Not again. Damnit. This is not the action I was looking for. Can I kill her? How do you skip? What happened to the cards?!

The other day

I was riding the 84 to Kürmarker Kaserne and a song came on my playlist that made me think of Rüdi and I remember after we broke up how I doubted he ever cared and he said, 'Bree, you're wrong. I loved you more than I have ever loved anybody in my life.' And for some reason, I just started crying. Its overwhelming to know that you were loved and that as much as you tried to fight your own depression and inner hatred, there was somebody fighting to love you and saw something great when you couldn't see it yourself.

I've been getting out but the people here have these expectations that I can not live up to. I went on dates and went home with high fives and sighs. I don't know why I even bother.

Jeff and I had a good time on Sunday. But without my adderall I am so chatty and hyper. The brain zaps are going away though. And I am fighting the fatigue.

Mar was talking about her troubles with dudes and I mentioned Dani and Rüdi and how they both hated me and my eyes started to sweat badly. So I turned on Wow and tried to smile but I ended up killing a bunch of things and crying for the first ten minutes... then it went away. I leveled up, read and passed out. I can't talk about those two without eyeball sweat and a hard lump in my throat.

I'd prefer being pissed off about work.