Lots of things going on in the life of me and my 8 and a half month old. She's a supported stander... she got bit by a cat and is going to go through her third set of shots for the rabies vaccine. She meows, she hisses, she says 'mum' and is quite excited per usual. Her hair is longer, she's bigger and still fascinated by books, video games and music. I think she'll walk before she crawls.
I started EMDR therapy last week. I also had a session yesterday. It was difficult and exhausting but we are taking baby steps into the ocean of trauma. The body keeps it inside, like a locked memory. The first session was based around my fear of vomiting and it took me back into a memory of being very young and taking ipecap and vomiting uncontrollably. Then into my hyperemesis and panic attacks. I felt sick and my body began to twitch as we processed these things. I remembered my dog and wept. Trains in Germany... drunken men came about and my dad going on TDYs. My unlocked safe place was with my dad and at grandmas.
I went home. Couldn't process, I just lay crucifix style on the floor. Got yelled at for dishes and triggered over and over but its better.
Last night, with limited time we tried to go back to grandmas before we hit the hard stuff. She kept telling me to go back but I started bawling because last time I was there... she wasn't and the house smelled different, her essence was absent. I cried and cried until we had to bring back a memory where I was in the car with her and my dad... and there was a matter of salami sandwiches and garlic pills that made me laugh uncontrollably. Again, I went home exhausted and fell asleep once I hit the bed.
I woke up feeling refreshed. Shelly had bags of groceries for my baby and I cried. I told her she reminded me of my grandma even though she curses a lot. I am grateful for the things she has done for us... and grateful for her being there when Arya was born. To give me that extra whisper I needed to hear. I cry when I think of it and am glad we are in a good place of peace with each other. All I need is a friendly ear sometimes.
That's all I need from anybody lately... the rest is unexpected and I couldn't thank everybody enough for all their sacrifices for me and Arya.
Love to all.
