Night terrors.

It is never just a little bothersome when I wake into a panic attack. It is always "something is killing me". Being off gluten has helped with the pukes and the panics have staved off much more but here we are.

I'm on my front step, terrified and looking for something to do with my hands and brain. I am forcing myself to write.

I feel like weaning is going to be a long and excruciating journey with a lot of back steps. I'm a huge 24 hour glass of time and everytime I reach in desperation for a pill, I have to start the glass over again.

I try not to think about it. My morning started off badly with a sense of dread. It was like liquid lead coating my tongue and hardening my stomach. I had a seizure. I could feel Mark kicking my back and all the sudden he wasn't. I don't know how long it lasted but my body felt like fuses had gone out in my legs arms and stomach. Heavy. So heavy. I think they started around 6am and then Rodney woke me up around 0720 and I forced myself up to get Arya.

...

I had about 5 seizures today. Right now I'm salivating heavily and my heart is racing. I have a book next to me "Ten Simple Solutions to Panic" but it seems so far away.

I've been on edge today and I managed to be benzo free until about 2. I took one around 10 and I crushed 1.5 and rubbed them into my gums about 15 minutes ago. The glass has turned again. I feel like I'm floating and everything I can see is poor cinema. An indie film with a poor excuse for avant garde. Plot twist? There is none. It's the same shit. I'm tapping my feet and fiddling with my free hand, rubbing my temples and typing out this blog.

Tomorrow has to be better... But the upcoming tomorrows are always faced with dozens of white flags that I wave and drop.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever do... Again and again... And it doesn't get easier.

I've kept busy

Most of the day. I probably got 5 hours of sleep, which is an improvement.

I still have bouts of extreme agitation and it can get a little intense... the storm brewing inside.

I think I mentioned that I switched out our library books. I don't remember much else about the day except that Tim ordered gluten free pizza. I talked to my step mom for an hour about cloth diapers, oh and made a new friend at Top 2 Bottom and got a bunch of liners, two cloth diapers and some disposable liners that make poopies much easier for cloth.

I cleaned and did laundry all day. I got to game for a bit but have been restless and tired at the same time.

I think I filled my day up tomorrow. Hopefully that makes things pretty easy.

Darby came over and I bought new lip stock. I just feel it's good to have a stash since business is pretty steady.

Kids are still asleep. So I'm going to try to read a bit.

Life proof at 2pm.

I don't remember waking up much but I also probably slept a total of 4 hours.

For Mother's Day, Mark "bought" me the latest wow expansion so there is something I can do to channel panic and insomnia. It means a lot too because it saved me from getting in to trouble during withdrawals. It gave me a reason to live when I was 26, as pathetic as it sounds.

I danced around realm in a level 100 resto/bal druid. Fucking shit up and eating ice cream.

Arya is asleep with the WOTLK ost playing. I went to the library and replenished our weekly rentals. I rented the Walking Dead 3rd Compendium because I fell out of touch when I gave birth to Arya or shortly afterward. I just won an arena hunter vs. Mage.

Mark's ragababes came in the mail and I ordered disposable liners for the poopy ones or so we can wear our two steps out.

Next week we're going to St. Louis. Less brain zaps today because I caved yesterday after the seizures and deemed myself not in any fucking functioning state... And I have to drive so there's no time.

Earthquakes in my brain...

Perhaps one of the most bizarre sensations of antidepressant cessation. I've been trying to get ready for about an hour but I keep falling over. Bloody noses and seizures.

It took hours to get enough energy to get dressed. I'm defensive and have been up and down.

I wanted to die last night. Everything was really intense and my husband doesn't get it. Nobody does. It makes no sense because my yesterday was slow but pleasant.

I started playing wow again. That's something. Can't sleep.