Last night... I was riding dragons.

I always have the most bizarre dreams imaginable but at least I could say, I didn't dream about losing my child. Those dreams are the worst. They're so real too. Last night, I was riding a dragon... and we were cleansing some sick town. The cleansing took place with fire... I just willed it and the fire came down, burning rooftops, bathing wood in flames. We came to a church, my dragon and I... and the final test was to rid the town of these eels. All I had equipped with me was an octopus... I can't even fathom what the HELL that even can begin to mean. All I know is that I haven't felt at much peace in my subconscious... not the way I felt when I was suspended in the air with my dragon.

Before I went into comatose mode, I did wake up crying. Rob was there and he held me. The bad dreams are back and in full force. Talking about them makes me upset. I had only really talked about them with my therapist.

I feel lost without David sometimes. He said it would be difficult and as I was doing better, I didn't have any idea what he had meant by that. The thought of starting over again with a new therapist and lying my foundations down all over again and repeating nearly 30 years of history is almost as overwhelming as my pregnancy... in fact, it seems even more overwhelming at this point.

My dad has been in town since Tuesday. He told me as I was on my way to work. "You know, don't rush into things. If things go South it isn't impossible to raise this child on your own." That hurt. It really did. I know he probably didn't mean it that way but all the same, I couldn't have asked for a better person to be in the predicament of bringing a child into this world with. He has a genuine heart, he's a good man. I know he's just being a dad and he worries because of the complications with my last pregnancy. My partner in crime disappeared after he found out about my pregnancy and I spun a web of telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. After the pregnancy was confirmed... he broke down, told me off... and we never spoke again. It's ok though. I'm not made of glass. I survived. I kept busy... I did what I had to do.

Oswin has been requiring more attention lately and in my state, I don't really have the energy or time, which makes me feel terrible. So I'm considering either giving her up or having her fostered. Which, honestly, quite honestly... breaks my heart. She's a good pup. She's my buddy... but she deserves better.

I'm pretty fortunate... timing is awful and my mind is all over the place but things can definitely be a lot worse and I have incredible support. I couldn't have asked for anything more, except time... and unfortunately, none of us have that luxury.

Just enjoy it. Make the most of it.

Be a paladin.

Yesterday was especially difficult. Yet, so surreal. Rob and I were talking about the baby casually and how we were scared and ecstatic about bringing a little life into the world... when the worst thing ever happened. Before we could end the conversation with a shrug and a thoughtful silence... his cat fell over and began to die. It happened within minutes... his chest rose a few times and then stopped. Ender had died, no warning... just like that.

The bond that they shared for over a decade is one that will never be forgotten... and he was buried in the backyard later that afternoon. Anybody that really knows Rob knows that Ender was his best friend and it totally breaks my heart, knowing there is no comfort I can provide him with other than just simply being there. This is one thing I can not fix... and time can be a cruel bastard, in a sense that it just slowly drags you along and sits on your chest... you can't speed it up... or slow it down... you can only wait... and endure.

I was lucky to have known Ender in the short time that I did.

Rest in piece, little buddy.

***

The baby is four weeks growing in my womb... a few days. It's bizarre to think that inside my body there is a little human putting itself together piece by piece. It doesn't feel real. Not even after the HCG levels were read off to me as the doctor ecstatically told me things were going well. Last Wednesday the levels were 365 and by Friday they were well over 1000. This is happening, my baby is all these working cells and making itself... prepping itself for a great journey. I've never really thought in depth about what's going on in my body as much as I have thought about this little one... maybe as a defense mechanism, maybe because I'm entirely too pessimistic... I just know that whatever happens... I loved so much I made a human... and I'll love this little human until the end of my days. No matter what.

My body is so tired... and I've stopped taking my medications and have been having bizarre dreams. Dreams about anything. Good dreams and bad... dreams about blood and Gods, dreams about singing. I'm sick in mornings and late afternoons... and I can barely keep my eyes open. I cramp up and I get weepy. Sometimes I weep out of happiness... and sometimes I'm so empathetic, my face starts to leak and my heart swells and shrivels.

Hormones.