I haven't been able

To write because I haven't been able to access my old google account since getting a new phone.

A lot has happened and most significantly, Mark turned one and my yaya died. I'll figure out how to bring my passwords back or start a new blog.

Salvaging Sanity

We went out of town Saturday. I haven't written because the days are especially hard and it's the same shit.

I woke up in the usual pool of my own sweat. Nauseous. Terrified

Night terrors.

It is never just a little bothersome when I wake into a panic attack. It is always "something is killing me". Being off gluten has helped with the pukes and the panics have staved off much more but here we are.

I'm on my front step, terrified and looking for something to do with my hands and brain. I am forcing myself to write.

I feel like weaning is going to be a long and excruciating journey with a lot of back steps. I'm a huge 24 hour glass of time and everytime I reach in desperation for a pill, I have to start the glass over again.

I try not to think about it. My morning started off badly with a sense of dread. It was like liquid lead coating my tongue and hardening my stomach. I had a seizure. I could feel Mark kicking my back and all the sudden he wasn't. I don't know how long it lasted but my body felt like fuses had gone out in my legs arms and stomach. Heavy. So heavy. I think they started around 6am and then Rodney woke me up around 0720 and I forced myself up to get Arya.

...

I had about 5 seizures today. Right now I'm salivating heavily and my heart is racing. I have a book next to me "Ten Simple Solutions to Panic" but it seems so far away.

I've been on edge today and I managed to be benzo free until about 2. I took one around 10 and I crushed 1.5 and rubbed them into my gums about 15 minutes ago. The glass has turned again. I feel like I'm floating and everything I can see is poor cinema. An indie film with a poor excuse for avant garde. Plot twist? There is none. It's the same shit. I'm tapping my feet and fiddling with my free hand, rubbing my temples and typing out this blog.

Tomorrow has to be better... But the upcoming tomorrows are always faced with dozens of white flags that I wave and drop.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever do... Again and again... And it doesn't get easier.

I've kept busy

Most of the day. I probably got 5 hours of sleep, which is an improvement.

I still have bouts of extreme agitation and it can get a little intense... the storm brewing inside.

I think I mentioned that I switched out our library books. I don't remember much else about the day except that Tim ordered gluten free pizza. I talked to my step mom for an hour about cloth diapers, oh and made a new friend at Top 2 Bottom and got a bunch of liners, two cloth diapers and some disposable liners that make poopies much easier for cloth.

I cleaned and did laundry all day. I got to game for a bit but have been restless and tired at the same time.

I think I filled my day up tomorrow. Hopefully that makes things pretty easy.

Darby came over and I bought new lip stock. I just feel it's good to have a stash since business is pretty steady.

Kids are still asleep. So I'm going to try to read a bit.

Life proof at 2pm.

I don't remember waking up much but I also probably slept a total of 4 hours.

For Mother's Day, Mark "bought" me the latest wow expansion so there is something I can do to channel panic and insomnia. It means a lot too because it saved me from getting in to trouble during withdrawals. It gave me a reason to live when I was 26, as pathetic as it sounds.

I danced around realm in a level 100 resto/bal druid. Fucking shit up and eating ice cream.

Arya is asleep with the WOTLK ost playing. I went to the library and replenished our weekly rentals. I rented the Walking Dead 3rd Compendium because I fell out of touch when I gave birth to Arya or shortly afterward. I just won an arena hunter vs. Mage.

Mark's ragababes came in the mail and I ordered disposable liners for the poopy ones or so we can wear our two steps out.

Next week we're going to St. Louis. Less brain zaps today because I caved yesterday after the seizures and deemed myself not in any fucking functioning state... And I have to drive so there's no time.

Earthquakes in my brain...

Perhaps one of the most bizarre sensations of antidepressant cessation. I've been trying to get ready for about an hour but I keep falling over. Bloody noses and seizures.

It took hours to get enough energy to get dressed. I'm defensive and have been up and down.

I wanted to die last night. Everything was really intense and my husband doesn't get it. Nobody does. It makes no sense because my yesterday was slow but pleasant.

I started playing wow again. That's something. Can't sleep.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day

I've never gotten a gift ever.

I feel pretty worn out today. I worked a pop up at Scout which was amazing but I sold nothing. That's ok. People sampled product and got to look pretty. Angie, Finn and Mike stopped in. That was awesome.

My friend Steph bought a colour from NJ.

Rob's mom told me she thought of me all day. That was also awesome.

I met up with Darby. Yay.

I should be cleaning but I feel like shit... and since I'm spending the holiday alone tomorrow I can clean then as to treat myself.

My body aches. I have a terrible headache, the shakes and I am nauseous.

It would be cool to just sleep.

Lots of nightmares this morning.

Yuck.

I woke up with all my clothes on and thought it was time to get ready to go get Arya until I realized that I went to bed shortly around 6 or 7pm. The last thing I remember was eating ice cream.

I do know that I have to get up early and get witch hazel for tomorrow's booth at Scout.

I couldn't handle the violent nausea and muscle spasming. I had a pretty intense panic attack on the highway on my way to pick up Rob. I took vistarel (sp?) an antinausea. I took an ativan around 2pm. Then, one before I left, I was crushing one between my teeth. Arya noticed and asked me if I was sick. "I am a little, baby." I hugged her and put her in the car and buckled her. I strapped Mark in and we took off. The nausea was getting more overwhelming. My bones hurt... My hands and feel felt like they had been drained of blood. My chest heavy, felt like I was crushing and I kept gasping or yawning to try to fill up my lungs with this life sustaining element. It wasn't working. I grabbed two more ativan and put them under my tongue thinking, "this is it. I'm fucking dying."

I didn't though.

But if guilt could kill you? I'd have not woken up an hour ago. I woke up terrified again and took minipress because I didn't want to reach for the ativan again. Not again.

I will never forget how bad benzo withdrawal was in 2008-2009. You can't forget an experience like that but somehow I thought I was more resilient now?

I'm not.

It feels like

There is a bag around my brain.

I had to think for about ten minutes about what I did yesterday but as I was focusing on remembering, I would be distracted.

I remember now.

It wasn't exciting. I cleaned... I frustratingly took my effexor and ativan when I realized I would be alone and had to keep my cool for the kids. Going backwards... how do you pencil in withdrawals?

I felt better after messaging Angie for a bit. She was making some bomb ass pot pie. It was a relief that little Finn was also needy and that she too, was struggling. Its totally a stay at home parent thing.

I talked about how nice even part time work would be, that I wanted to work in a cadaver lab.

I was mad for the last few hours because the state of the house, which is clean... But not clean enough.

Handmaids Tale. Pretty much it.

Waking up was hard. What else is new? But its Friday and I have purple hair.

The supposed

'Celiac rash' on my hands and legs still hasn't gone away despite eating gluten free for 6 days now. It was suggested that I do the autoimmune protocol diet but gluten cutting is hard enough.

Basically, I eat less now and gak out on coffee and half and half.

Last night, we went to Missouri Valley to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 with Noni. It was a really good time and Arya did super well. I just don't think there was enough baby Groot to keep her little 3 year old brain attentive. Movies are hard.

I got home late and went to bed.

It was harder to get out of bed than usual come 0645 but Mark was smiling and in good spirits.

With Rodney over... I wandered Target aimlessly for two hours, occasionally remembering what I was there for... Gluten free food that doesn't taste like shit and toilet paper. I'm positive I looked like some drifter. In fairness, I hadn't been properly caffeinated for the day. I came home with toys, food and more than I intended.

The coffee was consumed and finished sadly at room temperature. There are worse things, right?

The kids were and still are clingy. Mark is rolling around and shouting every now and then. Crawling a bit. I had to wear him while I washed diapers and attempted major cleaning.

Nothing else is exciting or memorable except I killed a druid with my hunter today. I haven't showered and I still have another load to fold.

There were a few times that I wanted to die today but I managed to grasp some sort of sanity and push it from my immediate thoughts.