Thursday

Was probably the best day I had in a while. I finished work around 1300 and headed out to Leinfelden to meet up with Michelle and Kim.

Smoked out and headed out to the Mineralbath with jelly legs. Endless laughs and criticisms were made under our breaths but overall? It was really relaxing. I helped make rouladen for the first time and it was all ready and waiting for us by the time we got home. I never laughed so hard... it has certainly been a while. I ended up going to bed at 330 and woke up at 530 for work.

Work was great. I met up with Mark for lunch and spent the rest of the evening relaxing and taking time to myself. Epic video game music and books were enjoyed. I think I slept until noon. It was much needed.

I haven't allowed myself...

to cry for days and I'm not allowing myself to do it now. There is a weird tension in the face, it's the strangest sensation and a constant pressing on the chest. You almost feel like you're going to pass out from the pain... but you swallow it down but then it never really goes away, does it? We'll see what happens. I want it to get back to the numb phase. Physical heart hurts are no fun.

Walking Dead

I guess that's how I have been feeling lately. Kind of like Michonne's mules, how their hunger just subsided. Guess what though? Zombies look super fake in HD. Fact.

What else is going on? Election Day. I am all for Obama, as a woman, as a middle class citizen and a minority, I feel I have to be.

Also? I am blogging from my phone. Woot! I just got the new blogging app. I am watching WD alone and that's ok. I miss watching it with him but I try to focus on the story and not my feelings.

Last night, I watched Skyfall with Michelle and Ray. It kind of felt, at one point, like a Home Alone 4 with British spies. Good times at Maulwurf afterward, 29 minutes of waiting in the cold for the train afterward? Not so much.

I worked out after work. First time in months! Then I cleaned, made a facial mask, decorated my room, etc. My brain is fuzzy lately so I think I should sleep more. Last night, I fell asleep with a sandwich in my hand. Real cool, Bree.

Anyway, tv time...

G'night, moon. G'night, gorilla.

Weird things have been happening

to my body. For example, my skin is always turning purple and I'm starting to get bruises under my nails and I can't seem to warm up for the life of me. I think it has to do with my adderall, it probably has to do with the fact it causes vasoconstriction but I don't know. I've been in a head fog for a few days now and I have noticed my temper has been a little out of sorts. For example, I don't let anybody walk on me... not the way I used to. I'm very vocal about it. My head is also going nuts lately. I think I've only had two migraines but there is a constant throbbing in my head... and when I'm hungry... it's monster hungry, even after a few hours of not eating... and then I'll totally load up on carbs. My asthma has also been terrible lately. Some of the troubling side effects I just saw on one site?

• Dangerous increase in blood pressure (mine is a decrease)
• Tachycardia or a high pulse rate (nope)
• Irregular heart rate (not really? it's just slow?)
• Difficulty breathing (asthma)
• Chest pain (asthma)
• Allergic reaction that includes swelling and redness in the eyes or throat (nope.)
• Migraine headaches (yep.)
• Syncope or losing consciousness (not that I know of?)
• Blurry or double vision (yep.)
• Seizure activity and excessive and uncontrollable shaking (not that I'm aware?)
• Extreme nervousness and paranoid delusions (sometimes.)
• Mood swings that include hostility and severe aggression (often.)
• Depression (hmmm... yep.)

I'm trying to decide if this is really the drug for me. I might just quit it all together. I'm a mean asshole sometimes.

He wanted to ruin it...

"Could this have been love? Grant it to be one form of love, for even though at first glance it seemed to retain its pristine form forever, simply repeating that form over and over again, it too had its own unique sort of debasement and decay. And it was a debasement more evil than that of any normal kind of love. Indeed, of all the kinds of decay in this world, decadent purity is the most malignant."

I will bury you.

I've been in my pajamas all day

and haven't really left my room at all today. I've been listening to video game soundtracks and metal. I have a lot of things running through my mind but I just don't know how to articulate them.

I feel pretty lonely today, when I allow myself to stop and think about it... but I try not to. I'm becoming pretty disenchanted with people in general. Three or four guys recently expressed their interest in trying to sleep with me, two of them actually tried. It is rather disheartening, really. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. The weather actually, doesn't make things any better. It gets dark entirely too early, which really sucks if I get off work around 1800.

I would submerge myself in a book if I thought I had the attention span for it but my attention has been pretty shot lately. I've been having headaches everyday and I have felt hungover since my migraine on Wednesday night. I haven't even really been able to pay attention to television at all. I attempted to watch Dexter and Walking Dead... I couldn't recall anything that happened, really.

The Halloween party was pretty fun. There were so many good costumes unfortunately, I wanted to be responsible and get home before midnight so I was only at the party for about an hour and a half tops. When I got to the train and started texting, the aura came and I couldn't see anything in my right eye. I panicked kind of... a lot. Nobody wants to be half blind on a train at midnight, especially when it'll take an hour to get home.

Thursday was ok, for the most part... until the end of the day where I started to feel like absolute garbage. The pulsating headaches and the stiff neck. I don't know what happened on Thursday night. Maybe that's when I watched my television shows?

I don't remember Friday either, really... except I went out to play games and attempt to be social. I got into a fight with Ruedi. The next day he told me he never loved me. I haven't really been able to process this, I guess it's because I choose not to. He wrote me back a little later, "I loved you more than I loved anyone before, Bree. But I won't be able to still tell you this as it makes things very difficult to cope and accept the situation." I still don't think about it. I guess I'm kind of numb.

There are things that I wish were different. There are a lot of shows I want to go to, that I know that he'd probably have fun with. I don't really have any buddies that like the same music as I do.

I'm kind of at a standstill on what the next step is. I don't cry or anything like that... and when I do, I get so angry at myself. It seems so unacceptable to me. Even after a cry, that emptiness is still there... so what is the point? What did it really achieve?

My friend Kristen wrote on her blog:

"It's always so romantic to imagine a man, in a room at a typewriter, writing something that's genuine, something he feels, something that means something. This is not the same image of a woman. It may still be dark, in a room with a typewriter, but she's always half mad, half anxious, she always half means it. I don't know why this is. I just know that when I see a woman, bent over a type writer, writing a love letter to some man that's not far away because he has to be, but because he wants to be, then I always always always feel terrible; I always think she's doing the wrong thing all together."

Just that little paragraph right there, feels more real to me than anything else I've written all day... maybe anything I've thought all day and it saddens me, when I read and picture the scene... the woman at the type writer was inevitably me.