End Series 1. Start 2.

I've been hesitant about writing about the birth story of my daughter because it's not as happy as others, in fact it was terrifying and painful but as I sit down to write... I can't tell you how much love, excitement, terror and amazement I feel right now. In hindsight I look back at my pregnancy and labor experience and shamefully I feel sad about it, all those times I spent crying, all the times I thought my body was breaking and not caring much for the whole pregnancy experience as a whole. Everybody that knew anything about my feelings knew... I hated it, it wasn't planned and as much as I knew I was going to love my baby... I had no idea how much I really would love her after meeting her.

I started going into labor on Valentines Day, the contractions were so terrible I could barely walk. I went to labor and delivery find out I was dilating more but unfortunately the progression wasn't fast enough. Although, they really tried to speed things up... I was bleeding everywhere and I remember them having me use a birthing ball to bounce around. After an hour or two, they sent me home to wait for the process to span out on it's own... I went in later that night because the pain got so much worse... we ended up going home disappointed to find out that I had dilated but it still wasn't enough.  We were both frustrated. Happy Valentines Day, right? I couldn't rest... and the contractions went on through the night, without let up... right along into Saturday.

I remember crying in bed telling Rob that I had a feeling it was going to happen soon and he kept telling me that I just needed to rest and relax. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I tried to distract myself with television but nothing worked. Around 3ish I decided I'd try to take a hot bath with epsom salts to relax but as we were filling the tub I sat down to pee... and once I sat... there was a huge gush. I thought I had peed without trying and that I was losing control of my muscles. I went to pull down my pants to step in the bath and all the sudden it's like my nether region was throwing up water... and lots of it. I knew that it was FINALLY... things were really picking up. I remember just crying and saying, "Oh noooooo! I'm not ready. She's not ready to come out." After all... I was 36 weeks and 6 days.  Almost immediately after, I start seeing squiggly rainbow prisms. I was getting a migraine. (Worst nightmare... going into labor and not being able to see or focus on anything) but I took some meds... and it went away after about an hour of sitting in the dark. The fortunate... and weird thing about my water breaking was this... my contractions completely stopped. Rob's mom rushed us over to the hospital and finally... I was admitted... I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital until my child was born. 

On another note. My doctors were Dr. Semen and Dr. Fickenbach... no joke. 

My doula showed up around 6 and one of my nurses was a friend I met at work when I first moved to Omaha. Katie, we worked at Ruby Tuesday together... so that was mostly neat. She was super kind to me then and fantastic during my labor. Another person that was there for my birth was a lady from Stuttgart, Irena... who was a doula in training. Awesome to have a little piece of "home" around while we tried to speed things up. She left around midnight and I still wasn't progressing. Prior to that, we tried walking around the hospital through my returning contractions... (they picked up about an hour or two after my water broke) and it continued to break all throughout the night. I remember Jessie and Rob massaging my hands and feet with lavender oil. It's really blurry. Eventually, I'd start to fall asleep while sitting up and talking out loud about my dreams. Which, from what I'm told involved, "a little woodsmen", "Kevin McCallister", "dickhole fashion"... and a "fat Batman" trying to kill Rob.  The next day they started me on pitocin... despite me trying other ways to dilate more... we were running out of time. The pitocin contractions were really intense and I was progressing into 5cm and very regular contractions I requested they start my epidural ASAP. That was a bit of a lifesaver at the time because I was able to sleep in and out... and not really feel my contractions much at all. But it wore off. :( I remember the intense pain I felt after being told at 10 I could finally start pushing. I kind of freaked because... "What? I can feel everything! Please... can we try this again?" I remember pushing the epidural button every ten minutes and still... no relief. They even tried to boost it twice... but nothing happened. I ended up feeling everything. The only problem was this... my legs didn't have very much mobility on their own. 

Prior to that they had informed me that I was running a high fever and that my amniotic fluid was infected so my daughter would have to, unfortunately spend some time in the NICU... which would have likely happened anyway because she was born 3 weeks early.

Oh well, no turning back now, right? It was time to start pushing for my baby... I'll skip all the details... but I'll tell you the next three hours were the most intense and surreal moments of my life. The fever and the antibiotics and the useless epidural made it really hard to focus and talk coherently. I guess there was a point in time where I just turned to Rob and started speaking German. I remember too, that I was crying for my dad... which is something I often do in times of great stress or whenever I'm scared or hurt. Rob called him in Germany via facetime. And I remember him telling me that I could do it and telling me he was proud of me. But I think I asked them to hang up because I couldn't stop screaming. The pain... like acid and fire melting my insides... and a pressure in my pelvis and back so intense that I swore all of my bones were breaking and that at any moment in time, I was for sure... going to die. There are a lot of moments I don't remember... because in between pushes, I would faint... which was a sweet relief for but a few seconds and it's like the contractions would punch me in the face and throw me back into the boxing ring. I didn't want to do it. I didn't think I could do it. The fever made it especially difficult to stop shaking... and I was burning so bad that Rob and his mom were just dumping ice all over my body. I cried a few times, but it's like crying took too much energy out of me... energy I didn't have... and the only thing I could do was scream and push. They even had me on oxygen. But I was so confused and scared I kept throwing it off.  Three hours later, I remember somebody telling me that my baby needed serious help and that once I do this... pregnancy was over. Her head had been right there for about two hours and Rob's mom and everybody kept telling me that I could do it. I just needed to push. Three pushes and everything I had... and she was out. And I fainted... and the NICU took her away and I saw Rob and everybody crying, and they told Rob to go be with the baby after they cut the umbelical cord. Everybody kept saying, "You did it, Bree!" and I lost consciousness. The next thing I remember was them pushing my stomach and them delivering a very large placenta. Passed out again... woke up to being stitched up, passed out again and woke up every now and again to Katie juicing my stomach... squeezing all the blood out. 

I forgot too, that they called my dad when they let Arya on my chest finally. But I don't remember talking to him. Or really seeing my baby, really. 

Everything was surreal... I felt out of my body and even though I was crying and super happy to see my baby in the NICU. I didn't really feel like I was there. 

Feeling Sick now... Will write part 2 later. :) Which is happier, I must say.