Yesterday evening...

I regressed and had major difficulty keeping my inner rage sufficed. It took a couple hours of removing myself from the situation also.

I have breasts full of milk my child refuses to drink and after one week of this month not being a victim to 'moons blood' it has returned. No wonder I am wolfing out.

I've had some friends in therapy, particularly Luxley and Lindsey to distract and calm me down... but I miss that structure of partial program as an outlet.

My kid isn't eating well today and my ppd is returning... I don't think it ever went away. I get that fleeting feeling in the pit of my stomach... no matter how much I love her. There are these negative thoughts of not being good enough that linger about... and I can't focus or do anything, really.

I caught up on my comics and had a lovely picnic with friends on Sunday but I think my depression stays dormant and settles in whenever I return home.

I hate it.

I kind of love that feeling

Of being dragged into the world of sleep. I enjoy the heaviness of a synthetic tiredness. I like the promise of uninterrupted sleep. I long for it often, these days but feel like I'm missing out on too much if I try to medicate myself to escape irl. Plus, my dreams have been pretty distressing lately. I'm a bit relieved that I can't recall them at the present time.

This weekend, I was more social than usual. Friday, I stopped by Hillary's place again after therapy.

Saturday, I had an amazing lunch with two fantastic ladies. One of my friends came out to me as trans and I was so excited for her to be comfortable enough with me to be their first irl person they told aside from therapists. We even dabbled our feet in her appropriate pronouns at the goth show, even though she was presented as a male. Her courage amazes me and I am so excited to be there for her... however, I am a little worried for her... as I'm sure none of this is easy. She's great though. Always has been, regardless of gender. We have a lot in common.

Today I decided to plan an impromptu picnic because the weather was amazing and I didn't think Rob would be up for leaving the house. A handful of people showed up and it was better than I expected.

After the picnic, we bathed Arya... then I took a bath and have been trying to wind down ever since.

Finally time to resign and fall asleep reading. I super love living in this book... if even its just for a small part of my day.