Mommy visited you on Friday and was able to enjoy visits with you all weekend with family members present. It's just a precaution, honey and I want to make sure I am following the conditions of my release.
At your Noni's house I held you until I fell asleep. I wept when you slept. You are still so loved and nothing short of amazing to me.
When you were fussy this weekend, mama dried your tears, held you and talked to you until you were calm again. You'd just stare at me and smile.
You always look up at me and smile. Its a heartbreaking smile but at the same time the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Mommy is sad. I feel like I have these invisible shackles on and all I want to do is love you and provide you with endless love and infinite happiness. I feel like the mama in Dumbo where I am holding out my trunk and cradling you but there is an invisible cell holding me.
Sweet girl, I know you're surrounded with love and care and mommy is happy to have the helping hands that can love you and care for you when mommy's headspace is a bunch of scribbled lines of nonsensical thinking. Its hard for me to imagine I deserve you and please know you did nothing wrong. Never ever ever feel this is your fault.
In the book we sometimes read together The Name of the Wind, Kvothe talks about there being four doors to escape pain. 1. Is sleep. 2. Is forgetting. 3. Is Insanity and 4. Is Death. He just said something that the mind does to escape trauma. I don't neccesarily agree but they were relatable all the same. It was hard to swallow.
I love you, honey and miss you every second that you're not around. Not a minute goes by each day where you're not with me in thoughts.
Love Always,
Mommy
