Can not sleep...

But I'm so tired. So I'm outside smoking... the background noise (a cycle of bird sounds) is being swallowed by the immense stillness and quiet of the room. Small lights of faint snowflakes, puple star decorative lights and a colorful constellation on the ceiling.

My head is a bubbly sea of black. Then I think, these tangled thoughts and I try to pull them in the black but they keep surfacing.

My ankles itch, my stomach is growling... I'm hot... I'm cold. I'm a body of goo... melting into the mattress...

Mourn... that's what my friend told me to do... the person you loved is dead.

My stomach has been clenching and its been a cycle of guilt and hopelessness. It doesn't help that the balmy weather is reminding me... that as Autumn creeps in... everything is dying.

My baby doesn't look like a baby anymore... she's a little person. My cheeks are sinking in, my breasts are shriveling back into my rib cage. I bite my tongue a lot. I stifle tears and my throat is dry.

I'm fine. I keep moving. Time pulls me like I'm an astronaut gravitating toward some blackhole. For some reason... I haven't been sucked in yet. I keep floating.

My emotions

Are getting a little overwhelming... on the surface I seem fine but distracted. I spent the morning cleaning and organizing.

I have been on the hunt for DBT specialists and just looking up information. I'd gladly sleep but I have to watch my daughter...

And I can't sleep my problems away.

I miss you...

I miss sleeping and I miss feeling normal.

Arya hasn't been sleeping well these last few nights and her feelings are hurt really easily. For example, if I hand her off and need to walk away for a few moments she has a 'you have wounded me' cry. She's very attached lately and there are moments where I have to disassociate to keep myself from feeling too much overwhelming.

I don't know. I'm not sleeping well. Can't articulate.

'Heeeey' Arya,

Mommy is soooo proud of you. You continue to amaze me, you're entertaining and you make everybody around you smile and laugh, especially me. Your daddy too, he laughs and smiles a lot whenever you're around too. Everything you do is... well its just cute. You're a cute kid. Gorgeous, actually... I am infinitely proud of you. Overall, you're just a happy kid. You smile and laugh all the time.

At six months, you're an eating machine... its 330 am and you're in bed with mama because you needed a bottle. You didn't cry, you just made noises in your crib and patiently waited while mama made you a bottle. Now you're sound asleep.

You can say 'hey', 'dadda' 'aya' and make all sorts of words up with your baby babble. You're almost crawling but tummy time frustrates you... and you have GERD so you puke a lot. But you like most all foods you've eatten. You love sweet potatoes, mango and pears best. You also like to bathe. Thank goodness. Its weird too... you get into this hypnotic like state when I clean your ears.

At your last check up, you were 16 lbs and 26 and a half inches. Way to go!

The other night you kept me up to nearly midnight with your laughing and playing. My stomach muscles ached from laughing so hard.

Its 730 in the morning. You were very tired yesterday and we had another playdate with Joseph. You were very interested in the video games that Lux's dad was playing and food. You got your first Jordans for six dollars at a baby consignment shop. You're drinking with a sippy cup now. But you'd rather have mama hold it. You also like being held on walks. You love to be outside. You like music and I have to rock you to sleep everynight and sing while you touch my face and make Undertaker faces.

I'm so lucky to be your mama. I love you to the moon and back again... and even further than that.

Love, Mommy