My first letter to my son or daughter.

Hi BB!

So tomorrow you're eleven weeks old in my womb. At eleven weeks they say you're the size of a fig and you'll start to grow rapidly. All your parts are there and you're moving around. I sometimes think I can feel you.

We're inseparable and it worries me sometimes because I wonder if you can feel when mommy is sad or scared. Right now, our puppy is in bed with me. Our dog's name is Oswin. And Oswin likes to curl up and sleep on mama's belly... next to you. I'm sure she loves you already just as I do. You're going to love her. She's amazing, really. She is always there watching over mom. She even sits outside the bathroom door when I'm getting sick. (Mom gets sick a lot) It's not your fault though, I blame science. 

Carrying you around hasn't been easy, kiddo but you're my baby and as far as you've come, you're already a biological miracle and for that? I'm so proud. I can't wait to hold you, see you and learn from you. I can't wait to hear you laugh and teach you about the world.

Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to carry you and it breaks me, I never expected pregnancy to be so uncomfortable and frightening but when I saw you dancing on the ultrasound, I was relieved to know that as terrible as I felt? I still had you, you are alive and well.

I won't dance around facts and say you weren't a surprise but sometimes the best things in life aren't planned. Your daddy and I had been dating only twenty days when I saw the little faded line. I had a suspicion I was when I had my tattoos touched up that day. It hurt too much and it made me a weird kind of sick I had never felt. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test... and well, that's when you made yourself known!

Mommy sleeps a lot while you're inside growing, (there are so many changes happening and growing little humans is exhausting)  mommy is still nauseous every day and sometimes? Mommy holds her tummy and cries. Mommy really misses Germany and mommy really misses her dad... (Grandpa Conklin) I think about you a lot and even though mommy gets sad often, I sometimes cry because I don't want you to be sad or alone ever and I always want you to know that I'll always be there for you and I will always love you and take care of you as best as I can. Even though, I'm terrified... I want you to know that it doesn't make me less excited to meet you. It's ok to be afraid sometimes. It allows us to be brave.

Lately, I've been saying outloud: Its just us, kiddo and we're going to be ok.

Growing is tough business but I know we can do it.

Until next time... I write or next time I put my hand on my belly and send you telepathic messages or even speak out to you, know this... you are thought of and very much loved already.

Love... Mama

So sleepy today...

Yesterday I got up early to meet a friend for coffee. We found a good area to walk my dog and walked and talked for an hour. She had been pregnant before and it was nice to talk about feelings and strange body changes. Its surreal feeling your uterus expand. I also feel little flutterings where the baby is and I think my body is playing tricks on me.

I got to see the ultrasound of my best friend's baby. Beautiful.  Its nuts to think that after how crazy our lives have been, all the ups and downs, the daydreaming... we are going to be mom's at 30 and although I have been more ill... we are still transitioning and growing our children, so I'm not really alone.

Arianna and I made lentils and had planned on red velvet cupcakes... (we snacked a lot in between) but by the time the soup was halfway through? We both needed naps. She told me when she was pregnant she always told her husband she hated him and said even worse things and wanted to flee because when you're pregnant,  you're crazy.... that's just it.  Its like werewolf season on steroids and trying to stop a transformation mid full moon, you don't want to hurt people.... you want to hide. Transforming hurts... it breaks you,  its excruciating. That's why I have always liked and identified with werewolves. I felt more human. That other people got it. Her husband came out and said its gonna suck but it will be ok. I had fun playing with her little girl. She even rubbed my belly and said 'hi baby' after we told her that I had a baby in my tummy too. It was sweet.

I went home, made sandwiches and talked to my best friends. Michelle called and I sobbed off and on while she helped me look for apartments and told me I wasn't to blame. She was pregnant too and remembers how rough and mean pregnant women can be. She offered to let Oswin and I move in with her for a bit so I wouldn't feel so alone.

My neighbors Nicholas and Rachel have offered to help me move and pack. A lot of people have offered their trucks or to help out with Oswin which is super nice.

Two friends came over at 1130 and cheered me up as well. So I'm very tired... my phone is constantly ringing and I just want to life like the Billy Joel song Vienna.

Make the best of a situation and leave it alone.

Embracing familiar things.

It is nice that I can let open all my windows and let the breeze cool my house for once. It reminds me of home life in Germany.

I took a small road trip to Lincoln to see an old friend. We had lunch and caught up on how much things have changed in a few months.

My panic has been awful lately so tonight. I just decided that I'd be back on my meds for a while... the sleep meds too. I can't take much of this anymore.

I keep dreaming of Rob too and in all my dreams we are together but he has long hair.

Anyway, just a few notes before I forget.

This might be a fun reflection for later.

Since eating is such a hassle. Here are my aversions and cravings.

Things I will not eat.

*Fried food (although the other day I ate fried shrimp... panic attacks ensued afterwards)
*Chicken
*In general, most things sound very... NOT good.
*Frozen Yogurt

Cravings:

*Mangoes
*Strawberries, grapes
*Colby jack cheese cubes
*Spinach salad with oil and vinegar
*Mashed potatoes
*Hummus
*Carrots
*French Dips

Weird. Weird. Weird.

I just have to say it and get it out in the open and be really honest about my pregnancy.  I really despise being pregnant. I never thought it could be so miserable. I feel like I'm not in control of anything happening to my body. I tire of the constant nausea on a daily basis and other unpleasant things that come along with pregnancy. Panic attacks are more severe when you're pregnant and the exhaustion is rather uncanny. Drinking and eating is tedious, or rather... most of the time makes me want to vomit. So it ranges from tedious to anxiety inspiring.

Some days I'll curl into a ball and just say it over and over in my head... i want it out... now. please, get it out of me. There's days I want to reverse actions but now that it's done, I can't possibly back out of it now. So I just have to love my baby and trust that in the end, everything will be alright. Aborting a pregnancy was never an option for me.

Still, seeing my little baby on the screen was pretty surreal for me. I felt like I was just watching television and that baby on the screen, wasn't my own. They were just telling me it was. Little bb was kicking, waving and being adorable... and I couldn't feel further removed from the situation. That's mine? I made that? It looks too perfect. 

I'm tired of things smelling bad too. Oswin put her paw on my mouth yesterday and I almost vomited. Girl has corn chip paws. Cheese toes. BARF! I kind of was relieved at that moment and time that I'm on antibiotics. That was funky. I can't even handle wearing my perfume... and don't even get me started on Rob's patchouli (which I never minded before) now he smells like he took a chemical bath in it and when I'm nauseous and rolling around in bed in angst, I can smell it and I start gagging.

I've been making friends with young and hip moms lately too. I've been hanging out with Hillary and Marina and they're a pretty good support. They both have little girls. There's B, who is about two and a half months and Vera who is 2 going on 3 next month. It's nice being friends with people who have actually been where I am, and who have had the same fears I have. They cook and bake for me, they listen and let me love on their kiddos. I'm so grateful to have good, positive people, whom I really enjoy in my life. It's good to be surrounded by positive energy... especially in the midst of me feeling so negative.

I day dream about the kind of mom I'm going to be. How I'll handle different situations and scenerios... and I have ever dreamed about it. I know it will be overwhelming, I know it will be tiring and overall... it will just be hard. I just have to keep my grandma's voice in the back of my head...

It doesn't get any easier, you just have to do it.