Weird. Weird. Weird.

I just have to say it and get it out in the open and be really honest about my pregnancy.  I really despise being pregnant. I never thought it could be so miserable. I feel like I'm not in control of anything happening to my body. I tire of the constant nausea on a daily basis and other unpleasant things that come along with pregnancy. Panic attacks are more severe when you're pregnant and the exhaustion is rather uncanny. Drinking and eating is tedious, or rather... most of the time makes me want to vomit. So it ranges from tedious to anxiety inspiring.

Some days I'll curl into a ball and just say it over and over in my head... i want it out... now. please, get it out of me. There's days I want to reverse actions but now that it's done, I can't possibly back out of it now. So I just have to love my baby and trust that in the end, everything will be alright. Aborting a pregnancy was never an option for me.

Still, seeing my little baby on the screen was pretty surreal for me. I felt like I was just watching television and that baby on the screen, wasn't my own. They were just telling me it was. Little bb was kicking, waving and being adorable... and I couldn't feel further removed from the situation. That's mine? I made that? It looks too perfect. 

I'm tired of things smelling bad too. Oswin put her paw on my mouth yesterday and I almost vomited. Girl has corn chip paws. Cheese toes. BARF! I kind of was relieved at that moment and time that I'm on antibiotics. That was funky. I can't even handle wearing my perfume... and don't even get me started on Rob's patchouli (which I never minded before) now he smells like he took a chemical bath in it and when I'm nauseous and rolling around in bed in angst, I can smell it and I start gagging.

I've been making friends with young and hip moms lately too. I've been hanging out with Hillary and Marina and they're a pretty good support. They both have little girls. There's B, who is about two and a half months and Vera who is 2 going on 3 next month. It's nice being friends with people who have actually been where I am, and who have had the same fears I have. They cook and bake for me, they listen and let me love on their kiddos. I'm so grateful to have good, positive people, whom I really enjoy in my life. It's good to be surrounded by positive energy... especially in the midst of me feeling so negative.

I day dream about the kind of mom I'm going to be. How I'll handle different situations and scenerios... and I have ever dreamed about it. I know it will be overwhelming, I know it will be tiring and overall... it will just be hard. I just have to keep my grandma's voice in the back of my head...

It doesn't get any easier, you just have to do it.