Productive Yesterday.

It feels great. It's nothing exceptionally awesome but Alex said that I should write no matter what, so that, I will do. I did everything that was on my To-Do List with little problems. This is huge for me, as motivation has been really hard to come by. Baby steps though, right?

It was such a simple list too and I did it all and feel much better for it. The only thing on my list I didn't get around to was playing wow but I'll award myself points because I finished all of Preacher Vol. 4 and read extra Dance With Dragons chapters.

The night ended with a lovely evening with my Pops. We went out for delicious Thai food and braved the 8 degrees that's been plaguing my country as of late. I have a birthday party this evening, and the GZA concert tomorrow. I'm stoked. I almost might be joining a German volleyball team.

I got to talk to one of my best friends for a bit yesterday and that also felt nice. I miss her and she's one of the few that actually gets it.

From a story I'm writing...

but it is true because this is what I do when I'm in the forest.

"She made her way into the forest and a wave of clarity washed about her. Very seldom did she see anybody in the forests and that made her happy. In the forest Bree liked to think her loudest, in the forest Bree liked to pretend her hardest and she loved to sing, loved to sway her hips back and forth and she loved to dance."

There is nothing new to report really. I'm trying to write more. Trying and doing are two different things though. I got incredibly excited for walking in the snow yesterday. I sucked in all the air around me... squeed and turned up my music really loud. I got lost, I love to get lost.

My birthday was a success and I loved that so many people showed up. I spent the night alone. Well, I spent it at Ruedi's house but he went to bed drunk and I sat on the couch reading and trying to wrap my mind around all the things in the world that didn't make sense. I was obliterated and it didn't matter. I couldn't sleep because I didn't want to mix my "nini" pills with alcohol... so I slept maybe an hour or so.

The other day, my friend Thommi took me to a comic shop. All was right in the world, for about 20 minutes and then I had to go back to my house and take on things on my to do list that I can't quite finish. My mind is crazy lately... I can't finish anything and I feel so weak.

Michelle has been exceptionally great. I help her out in her shop because she knows that my hours are too often filled with nothingness. So we hang out and draw on moustaches and talk, talk, talk. She's silly and smart. I love it.

I told Ruedi that I didn't care about him at all the other day... I listened to the tears in his eyes and the silence that was louder than anything I've ever heard in my life. It wasn't true... I know it wasn't... but all the same I ended it with, "I'm sorry." and "good-bye."

I miss my Grandma.

I remember after she died I listened to Max Richter over and over again and I never thought I'd stop hurting. My life always seems to be like a soundtrack. The whole grieving process was something like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_QMKuVPWMY

As time goes by, it's fun to think of her and I feel warmth when I miss her but the pain never ever really goes away. I sometimes talk to her... and the music is more like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67SRzAgBIt4