I had an extraordinary summer. After school in Omaha, my dad had a heart attack, I took a semester off and partied in Los Angeles. I maxed out my gear in Wow, I drank coffee with a new friend every day, frequented Legend Comics, went on road trips and spent a month in Florida. I lived with five guys and ventured out to start a new life in the Old Country.
I quit taking my amphetamines for my ADHD cold turkey. I've had a job since December and also a boyfriend. Life is perfect.
But there are some things that I miss so much about the comforts of the US. I miss driving, I miss boys nights out. I miss talking to Alex regularly and planning trips to New York and Los Angeles. I miss driving around in cut off shorts and a bikini. (white trash) I miss coffee at Denny's come 3am. I miss Tom and Dustin and our video game marathons and endless bouts of anime. I miss playing rock band and wearing storm trooper and transformer helmets. I miss Kelcey, driving around listening to music and screaming out the lyrics. I miss karaoke on Wednesdays. I miss blowing everybody off to study and take notes... and writing, writing, writing just like I was bleeding.
Lately I feel like my blood is clotting... and I feel weak and scared and I am obsessed with stagnating in time and succumbing to the likeness of sleep. I feel lonely in my relationship, even though I have a great guy. I feel like we don't have enough in common as I should like and I don't feel like we'd ever be comfortable with one another until I could start to paint him pictures of what it's like to be in my mind. I feel like too much gets lost in the abstract and instead of painting a beautiful setting, I just spit off stick figure images of what my life is supposed to be like... or what I'm supposed to be doing.
Very seldom do I feel beautiful anymore... the kind of beauty that I loved about myself. The kind that I could just get up and go, and be seen somewhere, even if it was just a coffee shop. I started taking anti-depressants and this is something I'm not proud of but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. But there are times that I feel like my energy just builds up and builds up... and then it explodes and all that is left are little withered pieces of me that I have to pick up over and over again... but I'm allowing myself points for being able to pick the pieces up in the first place but in a few months, will I still have the same strength?
