I kind of went

a little overboard in my attempts of being comfortable in the company of JUST myself. I was thinking about all the fun things I get to catch up on, like gaming... I've been really excited for gaming lately because I haven't done it... I didn't game at all when I was in a relationship.

So here are the games I've bought for myself lately.
*Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
*MW3
*Resistance Fall of Man 3
*The Binding of Isaac
*The Witcher 2
*Mists of Pandaria
*Left 4 Dead 2
*Limbo
*Rage

I also got myself an elite gaming headset... and then bought video games for my friends as well.

Then... since I haven't been reading comic books. I had a friend pick up Walking Dead 16 and 17. (I still haven't gotten around to reading them.)

Then I ordered myself some paperback and kindle books.
*Dandelion Wine (paperback)
*Marbles (paperback)
*The Road to Woodbury
*Siddhartha
*The Art of War
*The Brothers Karamazov
*War and Peace

and there are various other books that I have purchased lately that I haven't gotten around to peeping in yet. I'm still stuck in American Gods.

I also bought myself three months of spotify and fuck, I don't know... I'm sure I bought myself some other stuff as well.

I guess my gifts are trying to compensate for something... well at least I've got this hermit thing down if I really want to recluse away from society.

It pisses me off that all my guy friends want something else from me. One in particular asked if I wanted to shower at his house and play his 'kind of games' in mind. I just rolled my eyes and typed 'Nah, I am good.'

Favorite Quotes from Norwegian Wood.

‎"The sad truth is that what I could recall in five seconds all too soon needed ten, then thirty, then a full minute-like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, the shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it: my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where Naoko used to stand-ever more distant from the spot where my old self used to stand. And nothing but scenery, that view of the meadow in October, returns again and again to me like a symbolic scene in a movie. Each time it appears, it delivers a kick to some part of my mind. "Wake up," it says. "I'm still here. Wake up and think about it. Think about why I'm still here." The kicking never hurts me. There's no pain at all. just a hollow sound that echoes with each kick. And even that is bound to fade one day."

"If you're in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark"

"But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives."

"I stared back at her, but her eyes told me nothing. Strangely transparent, they seemed like windows to a world beyond, but however long I peered into their depths, there was nothing I could see. Our faces were no more than ten inches apart, but she was light-years away from me."

"Only the Dead stay seventeen forever."

"It was as if I were writing letters to hold together the pieces of my crumbling life."

"What happens when people open their hearts?"...

"They get better."

Where are you now?’

Where was I now?

Gripping the receiver, I raised my hand and turned to see what lay beyond the telephone booth. Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all. Where was this place? All that flashed into my eyes were the countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere. Again and again, I called out for Midori from the dead center of this place that was no place."

Its always kind of

Sad to me when I realize what I am doing is completely lame.

Confession: For the last hour I have had spotify on 'private session' because I have been listening to anime and video game soundtracks. Then I watched peoples top 50 epic video game soundtracks and fist pumped for every game I played. There was a lot. :sad trombone: The saddest part is I legit think I am badass and so cool when I do stuff like that. FML

Also, the new talents in wow are particularly bad ass. I couldn't stop looking at DRZ and going "Woah, we're awesome!" We kind of have a Smeagol/Gollum relationship, my druid and I.

I bought a bunch of books today and that was pretty exciting. Other than that? I'm going to stay in my pajamas ALL DAY LONG.

Bills are kicking my ass. So I'm pretty content with staying at home and hiding in my vices. Music, reading, writing, gaming. Bam. Awesome weekend with my awesome self.

The exhaustion

Never really wore off today, which was surprising because of how few children we had. I drew horses and dragons for the first hour and we made volcanoes.

I took my lunch at 1330 and Dani met me outside of the barracks for one last lunch and coffee before he headed back to Austria. He wanted to talk seriously but I came off as aloof because I find it difficult to talk about emotions and my current state of mind. In truth, I am happy and comfortable with him but when it comes to being candid about sensitive matters, I laugh nervously and change the subject. I don't enjoy talking about the reality of relationship prospects in scarce time frames... (like during a lunch break) and so it leaves open ended discussions. This is something I deeply loathe. I also can't open up about deep rooted problems with my past... even when it is encouraged.

Lately, several friends, Dani, David and others suggested I confront and finally deal with past happenings but I can't get over the trauma of how the last time I tried during a therapy, years and years ago... we had to quit because the memories were too painful and it nearly broke me. I have this thing, where when I am disturbed I get really quiet, crack my knuckles and revert into a childlike state. It is as if the me now goes into autopilot and little Breanna takes over. It has happened a few times in these past few days. The joys of living with borderline.

Sehr müde.

I haven't been able to think properly these past few days. I could probably attribute it to lack of sleep, stress, and excitement all in one. There are nights where I go without seroquel and I can barely eat the whole day and I feel drained and exhausted.

Dani leaves today. I have mixed feelings about it. We met up after work and as tired as I was, I felt like I was pretty poor company. It was nice to talk with Erin though and hear her perspectives and opinions just about... life and literature in general. I truly long for these sort of interactions even when I can barely keep my eyes open. It was a good night.

The picture on display can best describe my mental state. :p

Can I just say...

how cute my sister and niece are?!

Timing is everything.

I wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have been nervous and gotten on the train to Vaihingen around 3am. I've had such an amazing last few days hanging out with Dani. When we met up for coffee, it was refreshing to have non-stop conversations for once. It was like seven hours of getting reintroduced to the things that I like about people and myself. He asked me to stay and meet his friends but I opted to go home and clean, which I didn't do. I couldn't sleep so he ended up meeting me after the party and played Black Ops 2 with me, which he is terrible at. It was cute. :D

I forced him to come out with me to meet Michelle before her last day in Germany. He liked her and she liked him. The next day I did last minute Christmas shopping with my dad and met up with Dani for coffee afterward. We made interesting friends at some bar in Vaihingen and our drinks were bought for us. I came home, wrapped presents and listened to rap until Angie could make it over.

Christmas was pleasant. My dad and I exchanged gifts whilst Angie slept in the bed and then I did a gift exchange with her later. I felt a little down because I started to come to new realizations about my skewed friendship with my ex. He just started bringing up things in the past that were so contradictory and it didn't leave a good feeling with me. I was an asshole and I ended up telling him how unthoughtful he was. It hurt me to say these things, and I let the tears fall silently for a good 15 minutes but in the end, I wonder if it was the best thing to do. I still don't know... but if he no longer has feelings, what is there to lose?

I talked to Todd for a little bit and he told me that he needed a roomie by the end of January. I lived with Todd for a short while in Kansas City and I know we got along just fine. It's something to consider but I'm not really sure what I want to do.

I parted with Angie and met up with Dani at The Pullman and we just talked in a pub and drank beverages. I remember him asking me what I wanted from my life... and I just shrugged and I said, "Right now? I just want to be happy." He got his degree in psych and he is familiar with BPD but he told me to remember that the illness doesn't define who I am, that there is more to me than just unhappiness and being sick. I started to tear up a bit but I'm tough. We spent the rest of the night talking and I feel sad that he lives three hours away. But he says he visits often, we could write and that I can visit him when I wanted to. I really enjoy his company but I do feel intimidated sometimes with meeting new and interesting people. I'm always worried with how I'll present myself... but I have been nothing but honest with him and it's kind of liberating that he wasn't scared away and accepts it and likes me for who I am. We exchanged books. I gave him a Mishima book and he gave me a Terry Pratchett book. Nice one, nerds!

I like that he makes me feel small and that he laughs at all my jokes but most importantly? He thinks I'm intelligent, interesting and beautiful. When he drove me home, we sang songs all the way home and he told me he would see me after I finished work today. He leaves for Innsbruck tomorrow. *sad trombone* I have told him all about Ruedi and he said one thing to me today, "At least if I'm leaving, I will never have an opportunity to disappoint or bore you." I told him it went both ways.