as we were saying good bye to each other, I felt more close to you than I have ever felt before. We held hands and it was like we were paying our final respects at a wake. Where we take our relationship and we bury it. Tonight you said I looked beautiful and I find it funny because my hair was unwashed, my eyes were puffy and I was wearing a Star Wars shirt and a hoodie, I never felt as showy as you when it came to my attire. I looked at my feet and had to laugh because on our first date? You laughed at my ballet slippers because they were unsuitable for the cold. I said, "It's like when we first met, I was in my ballet flats and you were shaking your head and laughing and here I am in ballet flats and stockings again but this time I have more shoes to accomodate the weather." This is when we began to fall in love, as ourselves, and here we are, still in love and parting... as ourselves.
The weather is a metaphor too, a veil of transformation. It honestly couldn't have come at a better time. It's like the rain washed us up and there is this fog outside, where I can't see anything and all the while a soft pitter pattering of rain... and rain that will put me to sleep... with a smile on my face.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Because I love to love you...
but it isn't good for me. Tonight, you took me out to dinner and you wanted to discuss things because there are still things that are tormenting me... there is this open book but I'm the only one writing it and you're giving me the ink... but you, yourself will not contribute or write your own words. You say that you love me and that you can't forget me... but you DO NOT want to love me because it is painful. Your last words to me, "Take care of yourself, I hope we find each other again someday." The thing is? We won't... because someday, you and I will be different and we won't need each other to guard each other's solitude.
I've always loved solitary writers like Rilke and Murakami. The thing is? Our relationship reminded me of a Murakami novel. Murakami used his characters to exploit his own solitude, whereas, Rilke sought out solitude to further enrich his writing and his experiences. Murakami found it within people... two lovers in the same bed, still alone when they closed their eyes. This is all too familiar to me and I'd rather be like Rilke.
As much as we loved to love each other, we are both fundamentally different... I have always sought out adventure and took the hard road because it was what I wanted to do, I needed that struggle to live my life and you? You chose the most practical life you abandoned what you REALLY wanted to do and settled down for working for a corporation. I was never wired that way, my brain can not fathom this. So while you were in school and studying... I was traveling the country in two mismatched suitcases, discovering people and grabbing what I could from my experiences, learning and picking up the things I loved and running with them, finding the things I hated and running away from them.
You didn't want to lose me but you have to because we can not continue if one wants to love and the other doesn't because it hurts. It hurts that you find me difficult to love.
In hindsight though, it's probably for the best I have always had blueprints for my life and they always depended on my best interest and although you made me comfortable and made me feel safe and secure, I stifled and couldn't grow. My wants were always secondary to yours and you always got a say in what we needed to do, or who we needed to hang out with. I obliged and put my friends on the 'wait list'. I do not need alcohol to unwind and have a good time, I have no qualms doing that without being intoxicated or buzzed. I like the taste of whiskey or a good scotch but I do not like how it makes my brain almost infantile and impairs my judgement. It is a depressant and let's be honest, I don't need anymore things to contribute to the way my brain is already wired. I did that shit in my early 20s and it amounted to no good. We have different means for entertainment... so how could we possibly live our lives together unless one of us had to sacrifice pieces of themselves. It wasn't our fault, you loved me and I loved you... and right now? I still do and probably will for a while... but I have to not want to as well because it will hurt.
In Paris, I walked around feeling like my core was being crushed... that I was smashing little pieces of myself into the cobblestones and leaving them behind, I was mourning for all the pieces of my life that I was allowing to die? For you? I don't know... but it was like there was a ghost sitting on my chest.
I said goodbye to you today... and the ghost left, the tears dried up. I loved you, I love you but I finally feel free. I'm closing the book that I've been writing for two years, and putting it on the shelf for now. Thank you for protecting me and for showing me love... we tried, we did our best but we couldn't do it. Thank you for helping me find myself again and allowing me to grow, thank you for loving me so much that you finally let me go.
I've always loved solitary writers like Rilke and Murakami. The thing is? Our relationship reminded me of a Murakami novel. Murakami used his characters to exploit his own solitude, whereas, Rilke sought out solitude to further enrich his writing and his experiences. Murakami found it within people... two lovers in the same bed, still alone when they closed their eyes. This is all too familiar to me and I'd rather be like Rilke.
As much as we loved to love each other, we are both fundamentally different... I have always sought out adventure and took the hard road because it was what I wanted to do, I needed that struggle to live my life and you? You chose the most practical life you abandoned what you REALLY wanted to do and settled down for working for a corporation. I was never wired that way, my brain can not fathom this. So while you were in school and studying... I was traveling the country in two mismatched suitcases, discovering people and grabbing what I could from my experiences, learning and picking up the things I loved and running with them, finding the things I hated and running away from them.
You didn't want to lose me but you have to because we can not continue if one wants to love and the other doesn't because it hurts. It hurts that you find me difficult to love.
In hindsight though, it's probably for the best I have always had blueprints for my life and they always depended on my best interest and although you made me comfortable and made me feel safe and secure, I stifled and couldn't grow. My wants were always secondary to yours and you always got a say in what we needed to do, or who we needed to hang out with. I obliged and put my friends on the 'wait list'. I do not need alcohol to unwind and have a good time, I have no qualms doing that without being intoxicated or buzzed. I like the taste of whiskey or a good scotch but I do not like how it makes my brain almost infantile and impairs my judgement. It is a depressant and let's be honest, I don't need anymore things to contribute to the way my brain is already wired. I did that shit in my early 20s and it amounted to no good. We have different means for entertainment... so how could we possibly live our lives together unless one of us had to sacrifice pieces of themselves. It wasn't our fault, you loved me and I loved you... and right now? I still do and probably will for a while... but I have to not want to as well because it will hurt.
In Paris, I walked around feeling like my core was being crushed... that I was smashing little pieces of myself into the cobblestones and leaving them behind, I was mourning for all the pieces of my life that I was allowing to die? For you? I don't know... but it was like there was a ghost sitting on my chest.
I said goodbye to you today... and the ghost left, the tears dried up. I loved you, I love you but I finally feel free. I'm closing the book that I've been writing for two years, and putting it on the shelf for now. Thank you for protecting me and for showing me love... we tried, we did our best but we couldn't do it. Thank you for helping me find myself again and allowing me to grow, thank you for loving me so much that you finally let me go.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
A letter I won't send.
Rude Dogg,
Yesterday, I decided that we needed to take a few days without communicating. This is usually the hardest thing for my BPD brain. It's that fear of abandonment, the fear of being forgotten, the disparity of being alone. Surprisingly, I'm well and even though plans fell through, I was content with going home alone and taking time to do things for me.
Naturally, things remind me of you... and I think that is quite inevitable considering the huge role you played in my life for the past two years. I can associate them with both, good memories and sometimes bad... but today, I won't let them bring me down and yesterday, I didn't either... even though I spent the whole day alone. (By choice)
Yesterday it didn't hurt... and today it doesn't hurt either. You're doing your thing and I'm doing mine and that's that. I talked about you only once. Michelle brought up to me that she didn't think it was a good idea if we showed up at the same Halloween party. In fairness, we argued that she and I had been planning on going there for weeks now, and you never really cared for Halloween anyway. She is afraid that you will get drunk and that Oktoberfest will happen all over again. Or that the night will end with tears and disappointment. She is worried that you'll be flirting with some girl... and I'll see it and take it to heart. I thought about it once or twice, admittedly, I mean... how or what would I feel? I don't think about it though. Halloween is my favorite and I really, really want to have a good time. My Halloweens have always been drama free and a lot of fun... last year I didn't celebrate but I really wish I had.
I hope you're well. I really do. I hope you're doing things alone and being ok with it. I think you need to find yourself too. When the timing is right, if ever, I know we'll find our way back to each other again. If we love each other as much as we claim to... we will. If not? Well, we've really been doing things wrong. I think about it, and how our relationship was seldom centered on mutual interests but a mutual love we had for each other. I became withdrawn, and in turn, you became withdrawn. I can pin point all the flaws and so could outsiders. We were sinking for a long time and our conversations about our needs and what we wanted... came months and months too late. Aside from all the negativity, there was still a lot of love and I appreciate everything you've done for me and will keep the fond memories we had together and the life I shared with you while we lived together.
But I'll try not to miss them. I'll just keep my head up knowing that you're fine and I'm fine... and we're both getting by. And if we ever get caught into this web again, there are things that we'll have had to learn from our first two attempts... significant things which are pointless to list right now. Some from me and some from you... but if the chapter closes for good? I know eventually, something good will come of it.
Be good to yourself.
Yesterday, I decided that we needed to take a few days without communicating. This is usually the hardest thing for my BPD brain. It's that fear of abandonment, the fear of being forgotten, the disparity of being alone. Surprisingly, I'm well and even though plans fell through, I was content with going home alone and taking time to do things for me.
Naturally, things remind me of you... and I think that is quite inevitable considering the huge role you played in my life for the past two years. I can associate them with both, good memories and sometimes bad... but today, I won't let them bring me down and yesterday, I didn't either... even though I spent the whole day alone. (By choice)
Yesterday it didn't hurt... and today it doesn't hurt either. You're doing your thing and I'm doing mine and that's that. I talked about you only once. Michelle brought up to me that she didn't think it was a good idea if we showed up at the same Halloween party. In fairness, we argued that she and I had been planning on going there for weeks now, and you never really cared for Halloween anyway. She is afraid that you will get drunk and that Oktoberfest will happen all over again. Or that the night will end with tears and disappointment. She is worried that you'll be flirting with some girl... and I'll see it and take it to heart. I thought about it once or twice, admittedly, I mean... how or what would I feel? I don't think about it though. Halloween is my favorite and I really, really want to have a good time. My Halloweens have always been drama free and a lot of fun... last year I didn't celebrate but I really wish I had.
I hope you're well. I really do. I hope you're doing things alone and being ok with it. I think you need to find yourself too. When the timing is right, if ever, I know we'll find our way back to each other again. If we love each other as much as we claim to... we will. If not? Well, we've really been doing things wrong. I think about it, and how our relationship was seldom centered on mutual interests but a mutual love we had for each other. I became withdrawn, and in turn, you became withdrawn. I can pin point all the flaws and so could outsiders. We were sinking for a long time and our conversations about our needs and what we wanted... came months and months too late. Aside from all the negativity, there was still a lot of love and I appreciate everything you've done for me and will keep the fond memories we had together and the life I shared with you while we lived together.
But I'll try not to miss them. I'll just keep my head up knowing that you're fine and I'm fine... and we're both getting by. And if we ever get caught into this web again, there are things that we'll have had to learn from our first two attempts... significant things which are pointless to list right now. Some from me and some from you... but if the chapter closes for good? I know eventually, something good will come of it.
Be good to yourself.
Bree... Bree... Bree... (a letter to myself)
You did it again, didn't you? We haven't really spoken in a while but I want you to know that I'm still here and you can't get rid of me, no matter how hard you try.
Bree, you've tried to change yourself in so many ways. Remember when you got your heart broken in 2007 and you thought that changing your name from 'Bre' to 'Bree' would be a good way to start over? A way that you could just let go of the past and reinvent yourself? It sort of worked, you adopted a new sense of confidence and were more accepting to you, as a person. It ended up being a pretty rough few years, all that running... the packing of your bags the need for men to adore you, your means of validation. In 2010, you put yourself first and do you remember how good that felt? You were acing it up in University, you were a nanny, and a dog lover... you took the time to be you and to love yourself. When you were down, you went to comic book stores or hung out with your best friends... you played video games and called your best friends from afar. What happened to you? You were on a roll, but you started to unstitch after school, once dad had a heart attack and the nanny plans fell through. Men came and went... you broke a few hearts before you left the United States, in Kansas, New York, in Omaha... there was a trail and even though you didn't mean to... you did.
Germany was a perfect opportunity to start over... and Germany, like New York, just kind of embraced you. You made friends fast and even gained some admirers off the bat within your first month! There was Basti and Aleks... and then there was Ruedi. He was handsome and interesting, wasn't he? He opened you up to a world of Germany, he pretty much transitioned you into everything and made Germany... your home. A home? When have you ever felt at home? Settling down is scary for you... a trusting relationship? Even scarier! When have you ever physically and/or metaphorically unpacked your bags?
You dated Ruedi for almost two years. It fell apart last year, almost around the same time as it did this year. In hindsight, Bree. What did you learn? What can you tell yourself today? You learned that you can be loved and you can be cared for and although your past can be really intimidating, there are men that can be patient with it. You learned that you have a tendency to forget about who you are when you're in a relationship and spend a great deal of time trying to control things. You learned that home is actually not a physical place... but a state of mind, or that it can even be found in something as simplistic as an embrace. You learned that not all men are bad... but not all men are good for you. You're jealous because you've been insecure... and it's time to build up your self esteem.
You've been walking around with that sinking feeling again... a crushing feeling, where everything hurts and you're uncertain of who you are, or why you deserve to feel this badly. I'm here to tell you, that even though you lost yourself... it's never too late to find you again. The you that you've been protecting... the you that has been stagnating. I know there are tons of things you want to do, ballet, kung fu... finishing school! You don't need a man to dictate what you want out of your life. You may have been broken but you are still awesome and love from another person, isn't as important as you needing to love yourself and to be ok with being alone.
Losing somebody you invested a lot of time and love into hurts... but it hurts even more when you're alone and you don't even have yourself to fall back on. Be good to yourself, love you again, other people's love can only get you so far in life... but maybe that sinking feeling you've been dealing with for the last few months... was you... and your unwillingness to care and love... yourself.
Love you, Bree... sometimes I feel like we've been here for almost 29 years and hardly know each other. The rest will fall into place once we know each other and you give yourself a chance.
Bree, you've tried to change yourself in so many ways. Remember when you got your heart broken in 2007 and you thought that changing your name from 'Bre' to 'Bree' would be a good way to start over? A way that you could just let go of the past and reinvent yourself? It sort of worked, you adopted a new sense of confidence and were more accepting to you, as a person. It ended up being a pretty rough few years, all that running... the packing of your bags the need for men to adore you, your means of validation. In 2010, you put yourself first and do you remember how good that felt? You were acing it up in University, you were a nanny, and a dog lover... you took the time to be you and to love yourself. When you were down, you went to comic book stores or hung out with your best friends... you played video games and called your best friends from afar. What happened to you? You were on a roll, but you started to unstitch after school, once dad had a heart attack and the nanny plans fell through. Men came and went... you broke a few hearts before you left the United States, in Kansas, New York, in Omaha... there was a trail and even though you didn't mean to... you did.
Germany was a perfect opportunity to start over... and Germany, like New York, just kind of embraced you. You made friends fast and even gained some admirers off the bat within your first month! There was Basti and Aleks... and then there was Ruedi. He was handsome and interesting, wasn't he? He opened you up to a world of Germany, he pretty much transitioned you into everything and made Germany... your home. A home? When have you ever felt at home? Settling down is scary for you... a trusting relationship? Even scarier! When have you ever physically and/or metaphorically unpacked your bags?
You dated Ruedi for almost two years. It fell apart last year, almost around the same time as it did this year. In hindsight, Bree. What did you learn? What can you tell yourself today? You learned that you can be loved and you can be cared for and although your past can be really intimidating, there are men that can be patient with it. You learned that you have a tendency to forget about who you are when you're in a relationship and spend a great deal of time trying to control things. You learned that home is actually not a physical place... but a state of mind, or that it can even be found in something as simplistic as an embrace. You learned that not all men are bad... but not all men are good for you. You're jealous because you've been insecure... and it's time to build up your self esteem.
You've been walking around with that sinking feeling again... a crushing feeling, where everything hurts and you're uncertain of who you are, or why you deserve to feel this badly. I'm here to tell you, that even though you lost yourself... it's never too late to find you again. The you that you've been protecting... the you that has been stagnating. I know there are tons of things you want to do, ballet, kung fu... finishing school! You don't need a man to dictate what you want out of your life. You may have been broken but you are still awesome and love from another person, isn't as important as you needing to love yourself and to be ok with being alone.
Losing somebody you invested a lot of time and love into hurts... but it hurts even more when you're alone and you don't even have yourself to fall back on. Be good to yourself, love you again, other people's love can only get you so far in life... but maybe that sinking feeling you've been dealing with for the last few months... was you... and your unwillingness to care and love... yourself.
Love you, Bree... sometimes I feel like we've been here for almost 29 years and hardly know each other. The rest will fall into place once we know each other and you give yourself a chance.
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