A letter I won't send.

Rude Dogg,

Yesterday, I decided that we needed to take a few days without communicating. This is usually the hardest thing for my BPD brain. It's that fear of abandonment, the fear of being forgotten, the disparity of being alone. Surprisingly, I'm well and even though plans fell through, I was content with going home alone and taking time to do things for me.

Naturally, things remind me of you... and I think that is quite inevitable considering the huge role you played in my life for the past two years. I can associate them with both, good memories and sometimes bad... but today, I won't let them bring me down and yesterday, I didn't either... even though I spent the whole day alone. (By choice)

Yesterday it didn't hurt... and today it doesn't hurt either. You're doing your thing and I'm doing mine and that's that. I talked about you only once. Michelle brought up to me that she didn't think it was a good idea if we showed up at the same Halloween party. In fairness, we argued that she and I had been planning on going there for weeks now, and you never really cared for Halloween anyway. She is afraid that you will get drunk and that Oktoberfest will happen all over again. Or that the night will end with tears and disappointment. She is worried that you'll be flirting with some girl... and I'll see it and take it to heart. I thought about it once or twice, admittedly, I mean... how or what would I feel? I don't think about it though. Halloween is my favorite and I really, really want to have a good time. My Halloweens have always been drama free and a lot of fun... last year I didn't celebrate but I really wish I had.

I hope you're well. I really do. I hope you're doing things alone and being ok with it. I think you need to find yourself too. When the timing is right, if ever, I know we'll find our way back to each other again. If we love each other as much as we claim to... we will. If not? Well, we've really been doing things wrong. I think about it, and how our relationship was seldom centered on mutual interests but a mutual love we had for each other. I became withdrawn, and in turn, you became withdrawn. I can pin point all the flaws and so could outsiders. We were sinking for a long time and our conversations about our needs and what we wanted... came months and months too late. Aside from all the negativity, there was still a lot of love and I appreciate everything you've done for me and will keep the fond memories we had together and the life I shared with you while we lived together.

But I'll try not to miss them. I'll just keep my head up knowing that you're fine and I'm fine... and we're both getting by. And if we ever get caught into this web again, there are things that we'll have had to learn from our first two attempts... significant things which are pointless to list right now. Some from me and some from you... but if the chapter closes for good? I know eventually, something good will come of it.

Be good to yourself.