My brain itches...

sometimes it goes into overdrive and I think that if I think hard enough I can unlock some mysteries like de ja vu. I was listening to my Radiohead cd's in the dark and responding to some emails on my blackberry and BAM! De ja vu. What the hell?

I've been stumbling upon theories of my own... and they're mostly bizarre and deal with unconscious rituals. Then I can't stop thinking about all the advances we've made in science but at the same time, we're hardly advancing at all... if we can't even focus on the simple peculiars.

Also, when I was little... I used to think that one of these days, I'd hit my head on a sink or something and come up with an awesome invention, I'd unlock some code in the universe that would allow us to teleport.

Up until I was 9 years old... I used to have dreams that I was flying... and I'd always wake up and try to suspend myself in the air... if I could just have those few seconds to defy gravity... then I would have truly unlocked my genius and been able to accomplish anything... anything in the entire world.

My brain is like a hurricane right now... and sometimes I just don't like to think because in the end... I know, I'll never be able to fly.

Sometimes...

I feel like the only person in the world that is not having sex. I know that's not true though... because my best guy friends, are successful, good looking... smart and attractive and none of them are having sex either.

There is one thing that we all have in common. We all play a lot of video games. We're involved in consoles... shit, Alex and I are on World of Warcraft... and they all drink heavily on the weekends.

Girls... every girl I know is having sex. It's so easy for girls to have sex. What the hell is my problem? I go on dates with guys, and when they lean in for the kiss... I laugh awkwardly and do that stupid boxing move... *dodge* *dodge* *punch* and then I give a million excuses as to why I don't need a boyfriend.

Last year, after my relationship ended with Sterling... I thought I wanted to be in a relationship. I think I drove my ex-boyfriend in NY mad about it too... but now, I don't even care about that stuff.

I have these plans... these huuuuuge plans and I have a lot of catching up to do.

Boys just cloud your mind... and I don't need another distraction.

I look absolutely repulsive...

my skin is pasty, my eyes are sunken in... relatively lifeless and it is almost painful to look into a mirror. I'm getting smaller by the days except for my stomach is distended... and I wonder if my muscles will go into atrophy from all the time I've been spending in my bed lately. My hair is wirey and frizzy and I have bruises everywhere. I'm hideous.

I almost like it though... because I know, when I'm better... all my colors will return, my stomach will go back to being flat and my hair will shine and I can start being happy for all the good news that is to come.

I just got over 6 grand to go to school this year, which isn't a lot but I haven't been to school in nearly four years because I just had to see what else what out there. I had to travel and experience what I did or else I figured one day I'd wake up and wish I had lived a little more. I lived in Maryland, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Idaho and New York... what did you do when you were 22 to 25? I should be filled with a lot of regret... but I think I'm young enough to fix things... and before it gets too late, I am... but it sucks because I'm trying to fix it all at once.

I wrote a really, really long reflection on what I've been up to the past few years and how living in NY over the summer changed my perspective on life completely... but I don't like the way it's written... because I'm sick and incoherent. So I'll post it when I'm ready.

It almost has to be told in chapters...

I was back in NY...

last night, with a little shadow following me around. I'd run away... and it was Bill. What the heck is this? Let's dream about the last two guys that I was involved with week? It must be the fevers.

All I know, is I don't wish how I'm feeling on anybody... to feel like you're being repeatedly stabbed in your stomach and dry heaving because you're in so much pain.

the thing that always worries me about MD's is they aren't specifically paying attention to the individual needs of the patient. They expect them to all fall into these categories. This, this is the reason why I will always always seek out naturopaths... because they do muscles tests and they try to solve your problems with diet and herbs. Now, I understand the importance of MD's when it's beyond the reach of nature... in situations where it's life threatening, like if it's somebodies heart or if they have cancer. It just bothers me that it seems that all their motivations will always be backed by dollar signs... where is the empathy? Has the economy robbed our care takers of their passion?

I went to the doctor the other day, and because of my symptoms and because of the time that this problem has effected me, I thought he'd be a little bit more thorough, you know to be safe? He talked to me for a long time about California... and when it finally came to the point of him examining me... the examination took less than two minutes... he basically put his hand on my stomach and said. "You're full of stool." Hello, I already knew this... this is the reason why I had come and sought out help to begin with. Hi, I'm always vomiting! Heeeey, want to kill myself because I can't take this pain. He basically threw out the term Chronic Idiopathic Constipation and put me on these "expensive" medications that were supposed to stimulate my intestines. No blood tests... no further questions, he sent me on my way.

I had a job interview later that day in West Omaha... and was nauseous the entire time. I ended up having a huuuuuge panic attack and drove over to Tom's house. Thank God, he was home. I sipped tea and hung out with him for a few hours... and went home... and the pain was so intense that I was dry heaving and crying. I took the medicine he told me to take and woke up the next day gasping for air and feeling like I had the flu.

He said the medicine was supposed to work instantly... after three doses, no relief... dry heaving spells and me curling into a ball screaming and crying, I decided not to take the medicine. My mom called the hospital and another doctor told them to rush me to the emergency room. Well, that made me cry even more because I can't even fathom how much that would cost... and maybe it's just stupid constipation but the vomiting and the pain is starting to dictate the way I live my life, almost to a point where I'm afraid to put food in my stomach because I don't know how long it will stay in there or if it's going to come out by me vomiting... and that's caused me much terror because I always end up wrecking my spine... and I've broken my ribs and have been through points where I can't turn my neck from vomiting.

I decided to wait... and by some miracle of God... I'm starting to get a little bit better I think... but maybe I'm delusional.

Instead of dwelling on...

how miserable I felt last night. I stayed awake until 4am deep cleaning, discovering the joys of a Brill-O pad in the kitchen, taking advantage of bleach, Windex, dusters, vacuums and disinfecting everything in my house. When I couldn't clean anymore... I looked down at my fingernails, they've been blue tinted for weeks... so I painted them pink and then gave myself a pedicure. I anticipated a night of vomiting and what not... but nothing ever happened. I went to bed and woke up, hours later gasping for air. It was so strange. Generally, I always dream about my dad or my brother dying. This time it was me... trying to crawl out of some white room off of a mat, gasping... and as it was the end for me... in the surreal back corners of my mind... I woke up gasping for air. It's different when I die in my dreams, there are always two crucial emotions that remain absent from the dreams about my brother and my dad: there is no fear... and there is no sadness.

I woke up wheezy and with excruciating pain in my abdomen. The medicine that the doctor gave me isn't working. What's worse is... I couldn't even open up my right eye this morning. It may be a lack of humidity, but the only thing that made anything feel better was crying... and I cried for hours. Although, I really want to get my health in line... it's sad that the thing that made me cry the most was the money that I'd have to put forth into getting better. Money that I don't have. I've argued with my friends... the doctor wants me to go back to ER, my mom has been pleading with me... but the truth is. I'm stubborn... and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it... the debt. My logic is this... people have been around for a really long time... before doctors... and they survived.

There is a lot going on in the world of Bree... but it's hard to stay on top of things when I just don't feel well. I'm excited for a lot of things... but I don't feel like talking about them... just yet anyway.

So after hours of crying... I went to sleep. Strange dreams again! This time I was at a wedding, and there was this huuuuuuge HD tv that people were playing World of Warcraft on... and Call of Duty, it was like a split screen. I looked at the tv... and then looked behind me, there were chairs... and people, people from all over that I've come to know over the years. Then they all formed into a circle. I saw Steve. Steve is a guy I dated years ago. He kept looking over... and then a girl came over and introduced herself as his girlfriend. So I ran off... in military gear and I ran into Greg... and we ate burgers in a tunnel. Then I was in a pool... swimming... and laughing. I don't know if I was wearing camouflage or not... but when I turned around, there was an alligator... with diamond eyes... he bit me and I went under... there was a photograph in my hand... and the water started to wash the ink away... it was Steve. Greg was above the water with a nerf gun in hand...

I woke up drenched in sweat and then minutes later got a call from Kristen who was rambling about Aerosmith. It was the first time I smiled all day.