An Open Letter to Arya's Daddy.

I lied in court. The judged asked me if I was sure I wanted this. I looked him in the eye... paused and said 'yes'. I wanted to tell the judge there is a difference between wanting something and NEEDING it.

I never thought nor do I think you're a bad person. I just think there is something inside you that makes you unkind and selfish, maybe its me. For that, I am more sorry than you'll ever know. Our hearts may long for each other but there are distinct factors that fire our chemicals in favor of the opposite. Its a fact that will always bring me great sorrow.

I have and will always be grateful to you for making me a mother and creating a beautiful and wonderful, perfect child.

There are days where I think, if I could just hug you and erase all the corruption and heartache I'd do it instantly. I'd travel in time and shake us both and tell us how things will play out... and how nothing in the world matters, all this trivial banter, the selfish indignance is all for naught because the gift is Arya and she makes everything that we once knew or thought we knew about our lives is meaningless.

I wish I had an easy pregnancy and I feel like if I had, things would be different... but I don't know if I'd ever appreciate the hardship I went through or be blessed with such a perfect child. My body worked hard... and I feel its true when they say 'nothing worth it is ever easy' at least in my case, I find that to be true.

I DO miss you. Every day. That isn't a lie. I'll always treasure the times where we did feel love for each other, so much that it could only be some sort of magic or a lie. I'll always remember how we'd laugh so hard we'd cry because Arya was laughing and we were so proud of her.

Things had to happen... we couldn't coexist without the risk of corrupting our baby with our own disdain. I tried... you tried but we didn't try hard enough. We were all suffering. So I did what I had to do... because going back now would regress us even further and as much as I wanted to work things out... she has to come before either of us.

She will never feel that any of this is her fault, we do keep pictures of you up so she will remember you. And I do whisper to her regularly. 'your daddy loves you.'

You'll never fully grasp how sorry I am for everything but I trust myself on this difficult decision and I know my brain made the right decision... even when my heart was screaming for me to go back. I'll never ever forget that once we were happy and you were 'mines'.

Please know, that none of this was ever about me or you... it has always and will always be about her.

He's sad...

I can feel it all the way from here and even as I'm keeping busy... building legos and watching movies I can feel that blackness creeping in.

The end of September is always bad and no good ever comes from Octobers. Not lately anyway. My child would have been turning one next month and Arya is seven months and has a virus of some sort. I took her to the doctor today and got her flu shot out of the way. She even wrote a prescription for a humidifier. So glad its a nice one... and free with insurance. There was also a sale on diapers so... score.

I was supposed to go to a few parties but I stayed home with Lux and my daughter watching movies and building LOTR legos.

Arya and I had lunch with Jeff at King Kong prior to that and when we came home Cecelia was here from California. So we've been catching up.

Can't shake this sad off...

Arya. Bewbwahlitas, Boo Boo.

Hey grrrrl. We had a pretty awesome day. Elise watched you this morning when mommy went to court and you had fun. She even bought you clothes!

You're seven months and some change. You've hopped from the 13% percentile in height to the 97%. You're 28 and a half inches now. You've got mama's long legs! You're also 18 lbs. You've gained 11 lbs since birth! You sing, make wookiee noises and we are starting to sign with you. You think mama is really funny and yesterday you made the sign for milk. How awesome is that?!

You're getting really great at turning around and starting to get the army crawl down. You love people but you're also pretty content with playing on your own. You're so interested in the world around you and how things work. Your bottom teeth are starting to come up. My favorite noise you make is 'ooooooh' and when you melodramatically sigh. You're starting to tap rhythms with your hands. Amazing.

You transform every day and I'm so ecstatic and in love with you that I'm going to explode.

Today we fell asleep watching Doctor Who and it was the most relaxed mommy felt in a while.

I think about you walking and it makes me want to cry. How are you growing so fast? I've been here the entire time!!!

I never have time for fun things even in the house anymore. Being a single mama is hard. There is so much to do. I'm amazed I keep a clean home, wash our clothes every week and manage to keep all my appointments and you, you're still so content and love the world around you while it loves you back.

I'm so happy the universe made me your mama. I love you so much and am grateful for every second I spend with you... even when you're taking your heart breaking poops.

Mama loves you. Kiss kiss.

Mommy

The appeal

To lift the protection order was denied. So I guess I won.

But let's be honest, there are no winners.

Judgement Day...

Tomorrow. I'm genuinely fightened. I do miss my small family... but I need to hold my head up and keep it all in best interest of my baby.

Its all about Arya.

But I'd be lying if I said this wasn't hard. I wonder if you're sad or scared in bed tonight, just like me. I wonder if you feel as lonely as we do without you.

Tragic, stupid, beautiful mistakes.

Lately, I have been focusing on the tragedy and stupidity of my regrets... not really having an appreciation of what has become of my life after I paved my path impulsively. That's what my book is about... but there is always a new climax and at this rate... I'll never finish writing. Its kind of unfathomable but maybe my foolish mistakes can be turned into a novella or a mini series of nonfiction. Or maybe I'll just throw it out the window. Who cares?

I still remain captive to the inevitable swings of my borderline disorder. Yet sometimes, I feel too well versed in the uncanny truth of it all. I'm being silly. My brain is lying to me... but the emotions spring like wildfire and thoughts can be like gasoline. I've been through this time and time again... why can't I just be a mage and use it to my advantage... manipulate the fire or summon water?

I felt bad last night, I was being crushed by the weight of feeling like I've failed or that people purposefully do things for the sole purpose of fucking with me. It sucks. Its like going full speed on the interstate and not being able to take your foot off the gas.

Doing things... feeling like there is no fill for these voids and then taking a pill, dreaming... and taking on a new world and waking up like everything you felt prior was just a dream that withered and blew away. But those feelings were real... and you opened your mouth, said all the wrong things and closed the door without apologizing.

Do you even want to look back and apologize? Its too shameful. Truth is always painful and embarrassing when you were wrong.