So distracted

And busy that I can't wrap my brain around and think.

I think if I do... the sadness would cripple me and I don't have time to be a cripple.

There's a monster

Some sort of entity of inner rage and confusion and the bad thoughts come and make me so sick. My daughter falls asleep holding my hand and I am disgusted and terrified of these thoughts of what if... what if I became all that hate that I stuffed down for years.

It makes me feel crazy and if only I could channel my grandma and love my baby 220% and give my all.

I call my mom. I tell her I am in a bad place and have her take my baby for a few hours. Feel guilty... scared.