Off to

London. Jolly good.

Cheers.

The wolf I feed.

Is it weird that my blog tones are entirely conversational? Or is it even more weird that I ask the reader questions?

I was livid last night and completely disappointed. I had to self soothe and look to what I knew about DBT and worked in my Anger Log last night. I haven't done this in months. I knew it was all irrational but anger kept shoving me towards the thin ice.

D told me to yell at him and let him hear how upset I was at him. I wouldn't. I was both baffled and perturbed. I don't like to be angry outside of my own Shrieking Shack.

Anger, lately is a slippery slope for me because my anger can quickly turn into undeserved hostility and I hate being reminded of the depths in which my irrationality and perhaps selfishness can take me.

It is curious to me albeit unsettling the ways in which he tries to test me. Does he enjoy unbridled emotion or does the fascination still lie in whether it actually exists or not? I feel like a lab rat.

I am also very cautious and aware of my moods with my ever changing experiments in trying to wean off my meds.

He needs to trust me when I tell him borderline/werewolf Bree is NOT somebody I'd like to introduce to anybody. I may be high functioning but I am still very much borderline and I want to protect people I have an affinity towards.

Borderline Bree is a lost and furious child, she disregards all rational and is afraid everybody is out to get her. She either loves with all her heart or hates. She never lives by any median. Its like Bukowski's blue bird that lives in his heart. I hate it.

My job is to pacify her and explain things but it isn't always easy because she lives inside me. Inevitably or rather, more unfortunately... she is me. I can calm children and animals but for some reason, that damn little girl is the hardest to soothe. That's how I know I am not yet better and I won't be until she grows up.

A dreamless sleep, thanks to seroquel was the only thing to stifle the feelings. Its kind of like waiting to be drowned.

Fuck this.