Work. Sleep.

Work. Sleep.

I haven't been able to shift my attention to books lately, which is a little frustrating. I try to and then I give up because my head is somewhere else. David said he'd read American Gods with me though so there is some motivation.

I cried today, which was stupid... but it actually, for once, made me feel better. I even cried in front of my dad and step mom. I had to let all the bad thoughts go... I was even able to talk about them to Rüdi. Not about our relationship but how frustrating and alienating it can be here.

I worked all day. That sucked and all of the hours the sun was out afternoon. I had a chill in my bones throughout the whole night. I couldnt even get warm in my bed.

I just read letters that I wrote in September to Marilyn and things were definitely amiss in September.

Now? To lose myself in words and sleep.

I love Amanita. :)

Animal Collective never fails to blow my mind. I can always see myself in one of their songs too. Especially this one.

What will happen to the stories from the bogs?
The trails of the Vikings?
The passing of sea sirens?

Is tradition holding regularly in this town?
If its going hiking?
Then I'm going hiking!

To the other places
That we never had
Something like a misplaced teacher
That is old and sad

With big raven

What will happen to that story telling clown?
His voice hypnotizing
The fire side frightening

I have to travel so far just to hear his sound
But I'm going hiking
Art thou coming hiking?

What have we done what have we done?
Fantasy is falling down
She's breaking apart breaking apart
Has she lost her number 1?
Throws out her hands throws out her hands
Let her tell what she can tell
There's nothing to do nothing to do nothing to do
Imagination floating around
Then build it back up build it back up

What art thou gonna do?
Go into the forest
Until I can't remember my name
I'm gonna come back and things will be different
I'm gonna bring back some stories and games

Winter is Coming

And I have been trying to keep my skin from cracking and drying. I find that Neutrogena with sesame oil is great for after a shower. I also use a cream oil body wash and use cocoa butter and a 24 hour Vanilla and Chammomile lotion. It is working pretty well.

If I had it my way, I would have already been asleep at 2100. Laundry is a pain!

Work was slow and a kid barfed on me. My life rules.

I guess I am meeting up with Kerstin tomorrow but I am going to try to force myself to go to the gym. F winter weight.

Good night, moon.

xx

I'm trying to write every day...

So here are my thoughts at the moment.

I'm seriously contemplating on coming back to America. One of the huge reasons for this is my feelings of isolation here in Germany. As you know, with a split with your significant other, inevitably your friends split as well. If that doesn't make me feel isolated enough... I'm constantly facing what I feel to be conspiring repercussions from my work place. It doesn't matter how hard I try or how efficiently I do my work, it is constantly going unnoticed. That or I'm "doing too much". That in itself could drive a person mad. If it weren't for my students being so awesome, I would have thrown in the towel a while ago.

One of my saving graces for the country was my hope to settle down and start a life with my boyfriend. Since this is no longer possible... I have to wonder... what's really tying me down to this place? Other than love for the cleanliness and beauty of living in Europe. If it isn't stimulating any sort of growth somehow, I find my motivation to be stagnating. I haven't heard back from the jobs that I submitted my CV too and I don't know what else I can do.

I think about the people I surround myself with and look to for comfort and other than Michelle? I'm constantly let down. In the end it boils down to loneliness, which is selfish and stupid but it's hard when you have no set plans on the weekend, or when you do, you cancel because motives are in question and there are times when I think... I'm too far away and don't want to ride an hour to the city to get a coffee. I think I'll start applying for jobs in the states.

I can only really blame me for losing myself and losing sight of things that were of the utmost importance.

It was a

Very short albeit productive day. I slept until 3pm and headed out for a birthday party in Plieningen. I drank champagne (a glass or two) and conversed for a few hours. I would have been content with sleeping all day, however but I am glad I went out. Afterwards, I met up with Michelle and continued to converse at the Auld Rogue.

I went home to take my pills and get back to Bree time. Hopefully, I will sleep soon and get back to my regular sleep schedule.

Also? I am not about sexuality in bath houses but do appreciate the aesthetics of humam bodies. I hate thinking, oh my ex looks 95 percent better than all these dudes. Meh, some people look awful naked, some look great.

My dreams are absolutely scattered. In my dreams, I am losing my job or being punished for lapses in duties. (I think this is because they are refusing to give me a raise because I finished my modules faster than the time given.) My friends lose their dogs and I have to steal them back only to be transported to Hogwarts/Italy. I end up missing the celebrations and I am trapped in a tower watching Deathwing destroy Weinachtsmarkts. I make it back and ride a dragon mount back down to Italy/Hogwarts and a cause of unbalance from my feet causes the mount to flip and all these passengers die. I look at them floating under foamy bodies of water. I am to blame and its awful. People call me a murderer and I can't live with myself. Then I am in Paris and that one guy is there. The one that caught my eye. We lool for each other in the maze that is the city. I pass by broken train tracks. When I am on a train it flips over. In the end I am standing in the middle of the tracks, uncertain of where to go.

Gradually weaning

Myself off adderall equals... Sleep half the day, brain fog, and sore muscles everwhere.