Bad Dreams.

*Alligators ripping me in half and devouring my body parts
*Old ladies harvesting my organs

What's wrong with me?

Lately, I mostly think in comic book, novel or musical form. I think these are the only ways I can portray myself accurately.

Steady...

Well things are going relatively well. I've been trying to keep myself as busy as I possibly can be. I'm also back to my normal sleeping schedule. (4-6 hours of sleep a night.) It's good because I don't find myself sleeping past 7 or 8 pm. So that'll be good when I go back to work.

I woke up at 3:55am because I had a terrible nightmare. There was a lady called "The Mother of Wolves" or something that had to do with wolves. I was working in a crisis center and I had found her old, tattered and emaciated body curled up under some crypt. Everybody around her was dying. Her teeth had been kicked out mostly and all that were left were broken head stones of teeth. She was sucking in air as she lay there dying. She kept trying to whisper something but no noise came out except for the sucking of her breath. A man came up to me and said that she had been badly raped and her spirit was broken. "By whom?" I whispered concerned. He looked at me hesitantly and muttered, "Your ex-boyfriend. The German one." I held her hand and she looked up at me and she died. I woke up panting and afraid. Not of my ex, or any of the accusations but just because I couldn't get her face out of my head. I keep seeing these old broken women in my dreams, they're all sucking in their breath and looking at me with the most hideous eyes and they're all raped and beaten. I don't know why but it's a little concerning. I don't really like sleeping alone but I wouldn't expect anybody to wake up next to me after one of my nightmares. I know I've been grinding my teeth a lot lately because when I wake up my temples and my jaw hurt and I get terrible headaches during the day.

I went and saw my doctor today. I told him about my dreams and the symptoms I've been having to the abilify. He lowered my dosage and added yet another medication and hooray, another prescription of abilify but only in a lower dosage. I told him about my dreams and he said they were concerning but nothing Rammstein can't help me get through. My therapy session has been moved to Wednesday and I see Lenz again next week.

I took a long walk through the frosty forest after my sessions. I came home drenched in sweat. I always get really contemplative on my long walks, which makes me wonder why I haven't been indulging in them as of lately but I think I will later today.

POA:

*Clean
*Read
*Walk
*Write
*Be Happy

they always want to change...

when it's too late. i feel kind of bad but i don't known what to do about it. i mean, somebody leaves you at a moment when you're most vulnerable and when you finally start to pick your pieces up, little by little? they come around a changed person. it's always when you don't expect it and then... in the end, you're not sure how you feel or what you want. :(

on a more positive note: i've been pampering myself with stockings and tights lately. i can't stop. they are so much cheaper than pants. and let's face it, i'm not working right now... so i'm cheap.

i miss my little humans. i can't wait to be better and get back to work. or? i want to go back to school... like yesterday!