That turned around quickly

These days they're like borderline episodes... they come and go by the day... which is better than prolonged feelings of doom.

Couldn't help but enjoy time with my kid and listen to her laugh and kick her feet. And those high pitched squees.

I'm super sick but keeping busy and cleaning keeps my mind off the hurt and physical bullshittery thats at war in my body right now.

Arya is now 11lbs and 12 oz and 23 inches.

I was happy to give her a long overdue bath today... I can't get over her feathery hair.

4am. Can't sleep. Keep waking up to panic attacks these past few nights.

I sometimes feel like funerals

Are neccesary even if you are simply saying good bye and burying the person you once were.

Mommy cried last week, Arya... I really missed my daddy and he's moving away from Germany and he isn't moving any closer. Saying bye to houses is kind of like shutting a tomb. There is a part of mommy that will always live there... houses are in a sense living things... your memories are with you but they are always born somewhere and I definitely wasn't ready to turn grandpa's house into a tomb where I'd mourn memories of the life I had before you. When I was angry or sad... I could lose myself in the woods and play music as loud as I could on my headset. Nobody had to see me... I was invisible. It'd just be me and my music. Grandpa was my walking partner a lot of times and we'd call our outtings 'epic' walks in regards to the distances we'd cover. There was the 'Epic Hilfe' trail and 'Epic Stench' which involved walking by horse pastures.

I'd lose myself in books on trains... and now I lose myself to negative thoughts or I am inevitably in limbo.

You should know that I love you but at the same time... understand how my brain works when I am held captive to my feelings. Today I couldn't so much as look at your beautiful face. I just wanted to lose myself in music and I wanted to run away and for a second or so... I thought it'd be ok to run away and never see you again. NEVER SEE ANYBODY! It's absurd and it isn't me... that's whats so scary about mental disorders. That's what I hate.

I force myself to look at you and my eyes are flooded with guilty tears. You don't deserve it. You are perfect... you are amazing... how are you mine? I love you more than anything in this world.

I'm asking for your forgiveness for thinking that way. It's never your fault and I can't believe I can even fathom not wanting to be around you. You, my favorite person. I made you. I love you... how can these feelings exist? Because at the same time... I love you and I know this.

I think I am just mourning my old life and reality is handing me the shovel. Maybe sometimes we have to have funerals for our childhoods and former selves... where the tombstone says two letters as cryptic as....

I was...