And I'm getting better. I can feel it but my only complaint is the panic is starting to resurface.
My counselor says I get too involved with other patients in group because I was sad when a buddy of mine marked his numbers high on the suicidal thoughts scale and had to be put in 'in patient' care. They also told me that I give great advice to others but have a hard time taking my own. I guess it is much easier to channel into other people and take focus off my own struggles. Before they took him away, he said he was at breaking point. I had nothing I could offer but a paper back book I borrowed from Dave. I told him we could read the same book and I'd need him well enough to return it and give me a book report. He smiled and thanked me... I feel confident or hope he will get the help he needs.
Then we have V... a regular Negative Nancy who just talks down and ruins your day with her pessimism. She told me outside that her dog of fifteen years 'Jules' just passed away. I hugged her and it was the first time I had seen her cry. She sobbed on my shoulder and thanked me. I felt bad for thinking anything badly of her. Today I bought her a little stuffed lamb. She swears the doctors are trying to kill her.
After lunch, which I didn't eat, I hardly ever do, L... the girl who draws Ophelias came into the room where I was reading. She tells me they switched her SSRIs to XR and she can feel it moving her blood and starts to panic because she promised to give M a ride home and she can't handle it because she's been manic all day and she knows that she'll be alone tonight. She also tells me the reason she cries when I talk about my daughter is because she's afraid her daughter will be bipolar and she has a growing paranoia that she will miscarry and it will kill her. I talked her through a panic attack and she called her mom crying and asked if she could stay over for the night. Crisis averted. We talked it out and she was better. She left to go paint, happy... and I stayed in the room and felt the panic starting to coil around my feet and up into my belly. Did I just green mile a fucking panic attack? I ended up leaving early after that. I got in my car and turned about halfway home and went back to the hospital.
I went to see Hillary for a little bit afterward and headed to meet my mom at Target so I could take Arya home. I've been feeling a little off ever since but perhaps, I'm just tired.
Arya and I sang... tried to watch tv and laughed and talked. Daddy came home around ten and she and I are spent.
Time to rest and tuck the day under my pillow... hoping for a dreamless sleep and more stamina for the weekend.
