I've been forcing myself to

Go out. I went to the doctor Friday and then decided to go into work after. My friend gave me a ride into Stadmitte and I met up with Angie for coffee and sushi. Afterward, I headed to Vaihingen to wish Blake a farewell and good luck.

Today, I slept until 1300! Yowza! I put on a cute dress and headed to meet up with Angie again. I set up a Wow account for her and then Natalie and her bf Dieter took us to a birthday party in Bad Canstaat.

I met a lot of cool and friendly people and Heiko was there too. The guys were so welcoming and friendly. I even met a guy from New York. His name is Eric and we immediately became friends and played practical jokes on everybody. Then there was Miki and Tanner. I had a lot of fun but I felt a little ill so I went home around 2am.

Ha. I even made new friends at the Bahn at 3am. A girl from Texas and a local guy. I make friends easily... Its weird. Unfortunately, I am a home dweller.

And I am cool with that. Eric helped me steal a liter of orange juice at the party. Rebels.

Below is a picture of me being tough and winning with my druid muscles. I am THE AWESOME.

this dude asked me out for coffee afterwards. He must want my work out secrets.

I need to heal.

And get out of here. Going to New York.

I have been going home crying these past few nights. I can't take it. I yell at my dad, everything upsets me.

Then we were talking about the 'thing' and he said, 'I thought you were ok. It wasn't even a baby yet. Just a bunch of cells.' And I broke down, fully. I went outside and just cried.' He said he was sorry, he thought I was relieved and that he doesn't know what its like to be a woman so he can't fully grasp it.

It isnt even about Dani, its the fact that it was mine and that it was in my body and maybe if I wasnt such a bad person. It could have been an awesome boy or a girl. It would have been my kid. My kid! I couldnt stop crying.

I thought being busy would have helped. It did for a bit... but then it didn't.

Its been really tough

At work but the kids keep me laughing. I finally got to be with my Kindergarteners all day. I guess a lot of parents complained that in my absense the classroom has gone down. They said the classroom has been chaotic, its trashed and their behavior has changed for the worst. One of the parents said, 'You have done the children a great diservice moving Miss Conklin to another classroom.' I guess my boss told them that I was the only qualified teacher that they could move into the infant room and they needed a strong lead. (Because the other teachers are cruel, lazy and clueless)

I had to go back into my classroom today and really take charge. I spent over three hours organizing and I had to be quite strict. When they tried to continue with their misbehavior I had them sit at the table and draw things that were 'quiet'. Then they had German class. Prior to that a child punched me in my eye. (special needs) I had six special needs children in my class these past few days. Grant had a meltdown and I got bruised up trying to keep him from hurting himself and others further. I got him into the cozy area and held him whispering everything was ok. 'Miss Conklin, I need a nap. I need a nap!' Me too, buddy. Me too. You have no idea!

The other kids are great, Grant too. We danced with my ipod, they all wanted to take turns dancing with me. We c-walked, rapped, I made up stories during lunch and I had control again, which was nice.

But I am sick of the shit, and the adults that work there. If I didnt truly love my kiddos, I would have quit months ago.

I am not sleeping well

But I am endlessly tired. I stayed up reading all night and had really strange dreams.

I was in some city in Northern Germany and they were prosecuting a rapist who was really famous for all the art he did around the city. I had a bib on and people were dragging me into the heart of the riot. The man was in chains, he saw my bib and tore it off. They threw him into an outdoor cell to watch as people were about to destroy all his works. They threw paintings in my hands and told me to start ripping them. So I did what I was told. They splashed paint, they punched and tore... and for some reason I started to cry. All of the wreckage went down in some stone tunnel. I found a broken suitcase, sat on it and collapsed weeping. A guy who looked like Diana's son came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. 'This is really weird. I... I hate it. Its so weird. They are so angry.' He nodded and agreed that it was very weird. He took my hand and I woke up.

Staying busy definitely helps.

Today was a holiday so I decided to help my friend out and watch her little girl. I must have gotten overzealous with my snooze button. I solved a series of math problems and slept until 7am! I slept on the train and felt like death. Mia and I played and made collages, painted and read stories about the Bauernhof. My German speaking put her to sleep. :p

Julie wanted to talk about everything afterwards and I cried a bit. I am physically exhausted and the spotting stopped Saturday, only to start again today. My face is breaking out like crazy and when I eat, I get sick.

I cleaned all of Saturday and got rid of more clothes. Then I played Wow for about ten hours, if only to keep myself occupied. I got about 60 achievements and leveled up a Pandaren monk. Alex and I chatted in game about all the lore. How Garrosh's dad popped bloodlust and died for Thrall. Garrosh is a crazy bastard. I should totally write for Blizzard.

People keep trying to help me out, they offer money and a sympathetic ear or shoulder but honestly? I just want to feel normal again. To stop bleeding and to rest. I have a feeling the guilt and sadness will come in waves. The hardest part is smiling and saying, 'I am fine. This was for the best.' Even coffee with Rüdi was a little hard, the tears welled up and I laughed into my coffee and asked if there were any good shows coming up. I could use a good music show.

But I have Pandas, Druids and books. When everything is painful there are always video games.