An Open Letter to Arya's Daddy.

I lied in court. The judged asked me if I was sure I wanted this. I looked him in the eye... paused and said 'yes'. I wanted to tell the judge there is a difference between wanting something and NEEDING it.

I never thought nor do I think you're a bad person. I just think there is something inside you that makes you unkind and selfish, maybe its me. For that, I am more sorry than you'll ever know. Our hearts may long for each other but there are distinct factors that fire our chemicals in favor of the opposite. Its a fact that will always bring me great sorrow.

I have and will always be grateful to you for making me a mother and creating a beautiful and wonderful, perfect child.

There are days where I think, if I could just hug you and erase all the corruption and heartache I'd do it instantly. I'd travel in time and shake us both and tell us how things will play out... and how nothing in the world matters, all this trivial banter, the selfish indignance is all for naught because the gift is Arya and she makes everything that we once knew or thought we knew about our lives is meaningless.

I wish I had an easy pregnancy and I feel like if I had, things would be different... but I don't know if I'd ever appreciate the hardship I went through or be blessed with such a perfect child. My body worked hard... and I feel its true when they say 'nothing worth it is ever easy' at least in my case, I find that to be true.

I DO miss you. Every day. That isn't a lie. I'll always treasure the times where we did feel love for each other, so much that it could only be some sort of magic or a lie. I'll always remember how we'd laugh so hard we'd cry because Arya was laughing and we were so proud of her.

Things had to happen... we couldn't coexist without the risk of corrupting our baby with our own disdain. I tried... you tried but we didn't try hard enough. We were all suffering. So I did what I had to do... because going back now would regress us even further and as much as I wanted to work things out... she has to come before either of us.

She will never feel that any of this is her fault, we do keep pictures of you up so she will remember you. And I do whisper to her regularly. 'your daddy loves you.'

You'll never fully grasp how sorry I am for everything but I trust myself on this difficult decision and I know my brain made the right decision... even when my heart was screaming for me to go back. I'll never ever forget that once we were happy and you were 'mines'.

Please know, that none of this was ever about me or you... it has always and will always be about her.