how miserable I felt last night. I stayed awake until 4am deep cleaning, discovering the joys of a Brill-O pad in the kitchen, taking advantage of bleach, Windex, dusters, vacuums and disinfecting everything in my house. When I couldn't clean anymore... I looked down at my fingernails, they've been blue tinted for weeks... so I painted them pink and then gave myself a pedicure. I anticipated a night of vomiting and what not... but nothing ever happened. I went to bed and woke up, hours later gasping for air. It was so strange. Generally, I always dream about my dad or my brother dying. This time it was me... trying to crawl out of some white room off of a mat, gasping... and as it was the end for me... in the surreal back corners of my mind... I woke up gasping for air. It's different when I die in my dreams, there are always two crucial emotions that remain absent from the dreams about my brother and my dad: there is no fear... and there is no sadness.
I woke up wheezy and with excruciating pain in my abdomen. The medicine that the doctor gave me isn't working. What's worse is... I couldn't even open up my right eye this morning. It may be a lack of humidity, but the only thing that made anything feel better was crying... and I cried for hours. Although, I really want to get my health in line... it's sad that the thing that made me cry the most was the money that I'd have to put forth into getting better. Money that I don't have. I've argued with my friends... the doctor wants me to go back to ER, my mom has been pleading with me... but the truth is. I'm stubborn... and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it... the debt. My logic is this... people have been around for a really long time... before doctors... and they survived.
There is a lot going on in the world of Bree... but it's hard to stay on top of things when I just don't feel well. I'm excited for a lot of things... but I don't feel like talking about them... just yet anyway.
So after hours of crying... I went to sleep. Strange dreams again! This time I was at a wedding, and there was this huuuuuuge HD tv that people were playing World of Warcraft on... and Call of Duty, it was like a split screen. I looked at the tv... and then looked behind me, there were chairs... and people, people from all over that I've come to know over the years. Then they all formed into a circle. I saw Steve. Steve is a guy I dated years ago. He kept looking over... and then a girl came over and introduced herself as his girlfriend. So I ran off... in military gear and I ran into Greg... and we ate burgers in a tunnel. Then I was in a pool... swimming... and laughing. I don't know if I was wearing camouflage or not... but when I turned around, there was an alligator... with diamond eyes... he bit me and I went under... there was a photograph in my hand... and the water started to wash the ink away... it was Steve. Greg was above the water with a nerf gun in hand...
I woke up drenched in sweat and then minutes later got a call from Kristen who was rambling about Aerosmith. It was the first time I smiled all day.
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