Bree... Bree... Bree... (a letter to myself)

You did it again, didn't you? We haven't really spoken in a while but I want you to know that I'm still here and you can't get rid of me, no matter how hard you try.

Bree, you've tried to change yourself in so many ways. Remember when you got your heart broken in 2007 and you thought that changing your name from 'Bre' to 'Bree' would be a good way to start over? A way that you could just let go of the past and reinvent yourself? It sort of worked, you adopted a new sense of confidence and were more accepting to you, as a person. It ended up being a pretty rough few years, all that running... the packing of your bags the need for men to adore you, your means of validation. In 2010, you put yourself first and do you remember how good that felt? You were acing it up in University, you were a nanny, and a dog lover... you took the time to be you and to love yourself. When you were down, you went to comic book stores or hung out with your best friends... you played video games and called your best friends from afar. What happened to you? You were on a roll, but you started to unstitch after school, once dad had a heart attack and the nanny plans fell through. Men came and went... you broke a few hearts before you left the United States, in Kansas, New York, in Omaha... there was a trail and even though you didn't mean to... you did.

Germany was a perfect opportunity to start over... and Germany, like New York, just kind of embraced you. You made friends fast and even gained some admirers off the bat within your first month! There was Basti and Aleks... and then there was Ruedi. He was handsome and interesting, wasn't he? He opened you up to a world of Germany, he pretty much transitioned you into everything and made Germany... your home. A home? When have you ever felt at home? Settling down is scary for you... a trusting relationship? Even scarier! When have you ever physically and/or metaphorically unpacked your bags?

You dated Ruedi for almost two years. It fell apart last year, almost around the same time as it did this year. In hindsight, Bree. What did you learn? What can you tell yourself today? You learned that you can be loved and you can be cared for and although your past can be really intimidating, there are men that can be patient with it. You learned that you have a tendency to forget about who you are when you're in a relationship and spend a great deal of time trying to control things. You learned that home is actually not a physical place... but a state of mind, or that it can even be found in something as simplistic as an embrace. You learned that not all men are bad... but not all men are good for you. You're jealous because you've been insecure... and it's time to build up your self esteem.

You've been walking around with that sinking feeling again... a crushing feeling, where everything hurts and you're uncertain of who you are, or why you deserve to feel this badly. I'm here to tell you, that even though you lost yourself... it's never too late to find you again. The you that you've been protecting... the you that has been stagnating. I know there are tons of things you want to do, ballet, kung fu... finishing school! You don't need a man to dictate what you want out of your life. You may have been broken but you are still awesome and love from another person, isn't as important as you needing to love yourself and to be ok with being alone.

Losing somebody you invested a lot of time and love into hurts... but it hurts even more when you're alone and you don't even have yourself to fall back on. Be good to yourself, love you again, other people's love can only get you so far in life... but maybe that sinking feeling you've been dealing with for the last few months... was you... and your unwillingness to care and love... yourself.

Love you, Bree... sometimes I feel like we've been here for almost 29 years and hardly know each other. The rest will fall into place once we know each other and you give yourself a chance.