Never really wore off today, which was surprising because of how few children we had. I drew horses and dragons for the first hour and we made volcanoes.
I took my lunch at 1330 and Dani met me outside of the barracks for one last lunch and coffee before he headed back to Austria. He wanted to talk seriously but I came off as aloof because I find it difficult to talk about emotions and my current state of mind. In truth, I am happy and comfortable with him but when it comes to being candid about sensitive matters, I laugh nervously and change the subject. I don't enjoy talking about the reality of relationship prospects in scarce time frames... (like during a lunch break) and so it leaves open ended discussions. This is something I deeply loathe. I also can't open up about deep rooted problems with my past... even when it is encouraged.
Lately, several friends, Dani, David and others suggested I confront and finally deal with past happenings but I can't get over the trauma of how the last time I tried during a therapy, years and years ago... we had to quit because the memories were too painful and it nearly broke me. I have this thing, where when I am disturbed I get really quiet, crack my knuckles and revert into a childlike state. It is as if the me now goes into autopilot and little Breanna takes over. It has happened a few times in these past few days. The joys of living with borderline.
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