Timing is everything.

I wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have been nervous and gotten on the train to Vaihingen around 3am. I've had such an amazing last few days hanging out with Dani. When we met up for coffee, it was refreshing to have non-stop conversations for once. It was like seven hours of getting reintroduced to the things that I like about people and myself. He asked me to stay and meet his friends but I opted to go home and clean, which I didn't do. I couldn't sleep so he ended up meeting me after the party and played Black Ops 2 with me, which he is terrible at. It was cute. :D

I forced him to come out with me to meet Michelle before her last day in Germany. He liked her and she liked him. The next day I did last minute Christmas shopping with my dad and met up with Dani for coffee afterward. We made interesting friends at some bar in Vaihingen and our drinks were bought for us. I came home, wrapped presents and listened to rap until Angie could make it over.

Christmas was pleasant. My dad and I exchanged gifts whilst Angie slept in the bed and then I did a gift exchange with her later. I felt a little down because I started to come to new realizations about my skewed friendship with my ex. He just started bringing up things in the past that were so contradictory and it didn't leave a good feeling with me. I was an asshole and I ended up telling him how unthoughtful he was. It hurt me to say these things, and I let the tears fall silently for a good 15 minutes but in the end, I wonder if it was the best thing to do. I still don't know... but if he no longer has feelings, what is there to lose?

I talked to Todd for a little bit and he told me that he needed a roomie by the end of January. I lived with Todd for a short while in Kansas City and I know we got along just fine. It's something to consider but I'm not really sure what I want to do.

I parted with Angie and met up with Dani at The Pullman and we just talked in a pub and drank beverages. I remember him asking me what I wanted from my life... and I just shrugged and I said, "Right now? I just want to be happy." He got his degree in psych and he is familiar with BPD but he told me to remember that the illness doesn't define who I am, that there is more to me than just unhappiness and being sick. I started to tear up a bit but I'm tough. We spent the rest of the night talking and I feel sad that he lives three hours away. But he says he visits often, we could write and that I can visit him when I wanted to. I really enjoy his company but I do feel intimidated sometimes with meeting new and interesting people. I'm always worried with how I'll present myself... but I have been nothing but honest with him and it's kind of liberating that he wasn't scared away and accepts it and likes me for who I am. We exchanged books. I gave him a Mishima book and he gave me a Terry Pratchett book. Nice one, nerds!

I like that he makes me feel small and that he laughs at all my jokes but most importantly? He thinks I'm intelligent, interesting and beautiful. When he drove me home, we sang songs all the way home and he told me he would see me after I finished work today. He leaves for Innsbruck tomorrow. *sad trombone* I have told him all about Ruedi and he said one thing to me today, "At least if I'm leaving, I will never have an opportunity to disappoint or bore you." I told him it went both ways.