I've been in my pajamas all day

and haven't really left my room at all today. I've been listening to video game soundtracks and metal. I have a lot of things running through my mind but I just don't know how to articulate them.

I feel pretty lonely today, when I allow myself to stop and think about it... but I try not to. I'm becoming pretty disenchanted with people in general. Three or four guys recently expressed their interest in trying to sleep with me, two of them actually tried. It is rather disheartening, really. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. The weather actually, doesn't make things any better. It gets dark entirely too early, which really sucks if I get off work around 1800.

I would submerge myself in a book if I thought I had the attention span for it but my attention has been pretty shot lately. I've been having headaches everyday and I have felt hungover since my migraine on Wednesday night. I haven't even really been able to pay attention to television at all. I attempted to watch Dexter and Walking Dead... I couldn't recall anything that happened, really.

The Halloween party was pretty fun. There were so many good costumes unfortunately, I wanted to be responsible and get home before midnight so I was only at the party for about an hour and a half tops. When I got to the train and started texting, the aura came and I couldn't see anything in my right eye. I panicked kind of... a lot. Nobody wants to be half blind on a train at midnight, especially when it'll take an hour to get home.

Thursday was ok, for the most part... until the end of the day where I started to feel like absolute garbage. The pulsating headaches and the stiff neck. I don't know what happened on Thursday night. Maybe that's when I watched my television shows?

I don't remember Friday either, really... except I went out to play games and attempt to be social. I got into a fight with Ruedi. The next day he told me he never loved me. I haven't really been able to process this, I guess it's because I choose not to. He wrote me back a little later, "I loved you more than I loved anyone before, Bree. But I won't be able to still tell you this as it makes things very difficult to cope and accept the situation." I still don't think about it. I guess I'm kind of numb.

There are things that I wish were different. There are a lot of shows I want to go to, that I know that he'd probably have fun with. I don't really have any buddies that like the same music as I do.

I'm kind of at a standstill on what the next step is. I don't cry or anything like that... and when I do, I get so angry at myself. It seems so unacceptable to me. Even after a cry, that emptiness is still there... so what is the point? What did it really achieve?

My friend Kristen wrote on her blog:

"It's always so romantic to imagine a man, in a room at a typewriter, writing something that's genuine, something he feels, something that means something. This is not the same image of a woman. It may still be dark, in a room with a typewriter, but she's always half mad, half anxious, she always half means it. I don't know why this is. I just know that when I see a woman, bent over a type writer, writing a love letter to some man that's not far away because he has to be, but because he wants to be, then I always always always feel terrible; I always think she's doing the wrong thing all together."

Just that little paragraph right there, feels more real to me than anything else I've written all day... maybe anything I've thought all day and it saddens me, when I read and picture the scene... the woman at the type writer was inevitably me.