Last night... I was riding dragons.

I always have the most bizarre dreams imaginable but at least I could say, I didn't dream about losing my child. Those dreams are the worst. They're so real too. Last night, I was riding a dragon... and we were cleansing some sick town. The cleansing took place with fire... I just willed it and the fire came down, burning rooftops, bathing wood in flames. We came to a church, my dragon and I... and the final test was to rid the town of these eels. All I had equipped with me was an octopus... I can't even fathom what the HELL that even can begin to mean. All I know is that I haven't felt at much peace in my subconscious... not the way I felt when I was suspended in the air with my dragon.

Before I went into comatose mode, I did wake up crying. Rob was there and he held me. The bad dreams are back and in full force. Talking about them makes me upset. I had only really talked about them with my therapist.

I feel lost without David sometimes. He said it would be difficult and as I was doing better, I didn't have any idea what he had meant by that. The thought of starting over again with a new therapist and lying my foundations down all over again and repeating nearly 30 years of history is almost as overwhelming as my pregnancy... in fact, it seems even more overwhelming at this point.

My dad has been in town since Tuesday. He told me as I was on my way to work. "You know, don't rush into things. If things go South it isn't impossible to raise this child on your own." That hurt. It really did. I know he probably didn't mean it that way but all the same, I couldn't have asked for a better person to be in the predicament of bringing a child into this world with. He has a genuine heart, he's a good man. I know he's just being a dad and he worries because of the complications with my last pregnancy. My partner in crime disappeared after he found out about my pregnancy and I spun a web of telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. After the pregnancy was confirmed... he broke down, told me off... and we never spoke again. It's ok though. I'm not made of glass. I survived. I kept busy... I did what I had to do.

Oswin has been requiring more attention lately and in my state, I don't really have the energy or time, which makes me feel terrible. So I'm considering either giving her up or having her fostered. Which, honestly, quite honestly... breaks my heart. She's a good pup. She's my buddy... but she deserves better.

I'm pretty fortunate... timing is awful and my mind is all over the place but things can definitely be a lot worse and I have incredible support. I couldn't have asked for anything more, except time... and unfortunately, none of us have that luxury.

Just enjoy it. Make the most of it.