Be a paladin.

Yesterday was especially difficult. Yet, so surreal. Rob and I were talking about the baby casually and how we were scared and ecstatic about bringing a little life into the world... when the worst thing ever happened. Before we could end the conversation with a shrug and a thoughtful silence... his cat fell over and began to die. It happened within minutes... his chest rose a few times and then stopped. Ender had died, no warning... just like that.

The bond that they shared for over a decade is one that will never be forgotten... and he was buried in the backyard later that afternoon. Anybody that really knows Rob knows that Ender was his best friend and it totally breaks my heart, knowing there is no comfort I can provide him with other than just simply being there. This is one thing I can not fix... and time can be a cruel bastard, in a sense that it just slowly drags you along and sits on your chest... you can't speed it up... or slow it down... you can only wait... and endure.

I was lucky to have known Ender in the short time that I did.

Rest in piece, little buddy.

***

The baby is four weeks growing in my womb... a few days. It's bizarre to think that inside my body there is a little human putting itself together piece by piece. It doesn't feel real. Not even after the HCG levels were read off to me as the doctor ecstatically told me things were going well. Last Wednesday the levels were 365 and by Friday they were well over 1000. This is happening, my baby is all these working cells and making itself... prepping itself for a great journey. I've never really thought in depth about what's going on in my body as much as I have thought about this little one... maybe as a defense mechanism, maybe because I'm entirely too pessimistic... I just know that whatever happens... I loved so much I made a human... and I'll love this little human until the end of my days. No matter what.

My body is so tired... and I've stopped taking my medications and have been having bizarre dreams. Dreams about anything. Good dreams and bad... dreams about blood and Gods, dreams about singing. I'm sick in mornings and late afternoons... and I can barely keep my eyes open. I cramp up and I get weepy. Sometimes I weep out of happiness... and sometimes I'm so empathetic, my face starts to leak and my heart swells and shrivels.

Hormones.