I was riding the 84 to Kürmarker Kaserne and a song came on my playlist that made me think of Rüdi and I remember after we broke up how I doubted he ever cared and he said, 'Bree, you're wrong. I loved you more than I have ever loved anybody in my life.' And for some reason, I just started crying. Its overwhelming to know that you were loved and that as much as you tried to fight your own depression and inner hatred, there was somebody fighting to love you and saw something great when you couldn't see it yourself.
I've been getting out but the people here have these expectations that I can not live up to. I went on dates and went home with high fives and sighs. I don't know why I even bother.
Jeff and I had a good time on Sunday. But without my adderall I am so chatty and hyper. The brain zaps are going away though. And I am fighting the fatigue.
Mar was talking about her troubles with dudes and I mentioned Dani and Rüdi and how they both hated me and my eyes started to sweat badly. So I turned on Wow and tried to smile but I ended up killing a bunch of things and crying for the first ten minutes... then it went away. I leveled up, read and passed out. I can't talk about those two without eyeball sweat and a hard lump in my throat.
I'd prefer being pissed off about work.
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