"We live as we dream... alone."

Whenever I feel some sort of angst in my life or am discouraged, I find it entering my subconscious in the form of predators. Usually they're sharks. Last night, they were rattlesnakes.

I had a dream I was in Guam, with my dad... but something was terribly wrong with the village. There was some sort of war going on. I was pregnant... judging by the size of my belly, I was about seven months along and I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl. But we did an ultrasound and the doctor looked up at me terrified. "Your baby isn't alive... but something else is." There was a rattlesnake wrapped around my babies neck. I looked down at my stomach and I could see the outline of a snake. A lot of mothers were crying in a cafeteria... some of the snakes were being born and some of the babies were being born half snake... half human. I remember running because they were dying and there was nothing that I could do... I went to hide in a ditch but there was a little boy in a pool of water, face down and drowned.

The last I remember, I moved into a house... but everything was upside down and everything was covered with dust. There were a bunch of guys with long facial hair... they had knives and they wanted to cut the baby out but I was afraid, so they held a gun up to my belly and said... "we're just going to kill the snake."

I woke up. I kept my eyes closed.... I don't remember if I went back to sleep but I must have. 

I feel this terrible emptiness. I get lonely. I feel like as my body continues to fail me, I fail everybody else... and I know it's my brain. My brain. My brain makes me feel guilty enough and when it's projected on to me and I'm told... "nobody asked you to talk." I just want to go inside myself and live there... if the inside of myself was a stoic cloud.

I cut people off when they yell at me a lot. Usually inside my head and I'm catatonic... I don't want to talk because it escalates so rapidly and my brain shoots like rockets. The angry little girl inside me is pounding and pounding... "let me say something!" 

Anyway, I can't talk... somebody is breathing down my neck.