When I say I'm dying but some days it feels real. It's strange on bad days I think it's ok to die... any minute now because I will finally stop physically hurting. But then there are these panic attacks that make death seem so certain and I either want to fight fast and feel better or quickly die.
I don't want a slow drawn out death. A way of extending painful good byes and getting burdens off my chest. It's like when I used to dream about dying... choose your death... water or fire. I'd always choose fire and wake up before I'd dive into the flames.
I'm not really dying tonight... but I feel like I got walked on by giants and then clubbed after. Not to mention, I have been taking copious amounts of my allergy meds because my asthma and allergies are screaming WTF?!
I just took my 5mgs of prazosin with a 1mg tablet of clonazepam. Then I finally started gabapentin... which is the medicine I was prescribed for my fibromyalgia. I took ot because I feel like there are plates breaking through my spine and I could really benefit from 8 to 10 hours of sleep and to be pain free.
I met up with my shrink today. He's leaving. Which made me cry again after I told him that I talked about my rapes with my dad.
I'm... actually... believe it or not... falling asleep so everything I was going to say is already being forgotten.
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