For a few moments...

I'd like to allow myself to feel and understand how uncomfortable it is to be inside my own body right  now. I think it's good to write these things down, acknowledge them and kind of set them free in hopes of getting back on the broken path of recovery.

I was able to pick up my daughter today. She had been staying with her aunt since my flare up on Thursday left me pretty much scared and out of options. I felt it in my best interest to let her be fully cared for with lots of love and attention that I couldn't spare at the time.  She is presently patting my arms, humming and talking all sorts of nonsense but I think she can sense I'm hurting and I"m scared and this is her way of saying, "It's ok, mama." Which is such a relief in itself.

I had been having problems with bright lights, or lights that aren't even so bright hurt my eyes and make my head hurt. It was one of those days... and parts of my arms and legs were starting to tingle and fall asleep. By the time I got to Rish's house to pick up my daughter, I had no vision in my left eye and the back of my eyes started to feel like they were being pressed in and my stomach began to swing like a pendulum from nausea to worse nausea, back and forth. I sped home as fast as I could to the Urgent Care clinic by my house and went in. I felt like I was either, drugged into a migraine by being on so many meds and I was overdosing or I was having a monster migraine that was paralyzing my body parts. I dizzily walked into the back room, hardly being able to recall what my first name was and then they set me on a bed and gave me two shots in my thigh. The first one, was like lava spilling into my skin. I don't know if my muscles were so tense or what but it sure did hurt a lot. I am not sure if I was crying because it hurt or if I was crying because I was overwhelmed at how much my body is failing lately, all at once. Maybe both.

I've pretty much spent the rest of my day feeling like I'm in a stiff new body that needs to be broken in, like a small pair of shoes on an inflamed and arthritic foot. I still have band-aids on my bottom, I haven't showered, my vision is blurry, I have a lingering headache and numb toes and finger tips.

I feel like my body and I have become strangers and that it all can be tied into the new medical procedures they introduced to my body. There's no way one can be diagnosed with so many things within months. I feel like they're manifesting from all these medications and pretty soon, my liver is going to protest and next thing you know... I'll look like ET on the watery rocks in the river.

It doesn't make me proud, it doesn't make me feel like a good mom, a dependable friend or worthy in any sense. What good am I if I'm sick? I'm irritable a lot. I'm angry, I'm overwhelmed, depressed and very negative. Maybe my doctors aren't trying to kill me... but perhaps they're not really paying attention either.