At this moment, I'm trying to write my way through a panic attack. If I could just focus on the words falling out of my thumbs maybe I can regulate my heart rate.
It's been happening everynight as I'm about to sleep. My body starts to fall into this tunnel of panic and I'm trying to reach for something, just anything to stop me from falling. That's what it's kind of like... spiraling ungracefully without a parachute and sometimes hitting invisible and never ending branches on your way down. There are times where I just want to suddenly smash against the ground and shatter into a million pieces and darkness and collide into this finite embrace of dark.
I've been in constant pain for weeks and fatigue that's like a blanket of cold chains, sometimes burning hot.
I have panic attacks a lot during the day and I swear they never cease to frighten me. I feel like I'm an old car, my transmission is by going in and out and the motor is on its very last car trip.
Usually I wake up from nightmares everynight and when I wake up I'm lost at sea in a violent storm and I'm swimming but at any minute I'll drown, I just want to give in and just drown but I'm so very afraid.
And it's hard to pace when your whole body is stiff and it pains you to move. My concentration has also been pretty awful.
I just want to drift to shore.
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