To feel anything but fear and hostility last night but as all is settling the weight starts to sink in. Reality kind of spills out like an overflowing bathtub... everything is squishy and cold.
I remember after finally having Arya with me and telling Lux what happened, I fell into the heaviest sleep. I noticed hand marks on my neck before I went to bed but they were gone by the time I woke up, there were new bruises all over my wrists and collar bone... legs... feet. 'how are you feeling?' 'i want to sleep... I feel like I got beat up.'
I never thought having a daughter would drift us further apart. I had hope for a better future but regardless of my moods... crass words... all of that was washed away when he had his hands around his neck and spit in my face.
After such disrespect and pushing and ridicule... I wanted him to do what he was promising me. Kill me... for swatting a cat you treat like shit, kill me, kill me, kill me. Keep pushing buttons, keep twisting knives... provoke me some more. When we were fighting, I wanted to hurt him so bad... feel what you do. Feel how I feep every day... and once he started calling me a cunt and stupid bitch with his hand around my throat telling me he'd crush in my skull... I wanted him to. Then... I wanted to kill him after he said I'd never see my daughter again. He dragged me by my heels out of the room. Threw me out without shoes or my phone... I wanted to destroy him. He was nothing but black squiggly lines and fire.
I won't cry on and off about this anymore.
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