Today was... I can't even

find the right words for today. I knew something was terribly wrong about this weekend. I was in way too much pain and my body was expelling things in a way that that wasn't normal. So I went to my German doctor, told him my symptoms and let him know all the medications that I was taking, even though I was slowly weaning off of them. I asked him if that could result in a false positive pregnancy test (three in fact) and he said that none of those would cause that to happen. So he insisted I have a blood test. SS-Schnell-Test and on the referral it said .pos behind it. I had no idea what that meant but I started to feel weird in the waiting room when the nurses started being really nice. Even the nazi lady that gave me my immune system injections, she's always so rotten... but she was talking to me very softly and they kept asking me if I needed something. Something was up. Dr. Braugner said he was sending me to a Frauenheilkunde und Geburtshilfe clinic on Gerokstrasse. I asked where it was and which train I needed to catch but they said they had already ordered me a cab. If I was pregnant like the tests said, I knew I was losing it, or there had to be some explanation as to why I am pregnant that had to do with my cycle. (That's what I told myself anyway.) Anyway, they never told me what the test said, they just put a referral in and sent me with that pink letter. The taxi dude wouldn't even let me pay him or tip him. I thought that was very strange.

I walk into this frau clinic and EVERYBODY there is very, very pregnant. We're talking HUGE baby bumps. And here I am, with my B and a half cups and no baby bump whatsoever, probably reeking of cigarettes. "Sup, madtles? Looks like everybody in this room has had sex before." I hand them my little note and fill out a form. I wait. I draw. I read my boring book... I listen to Blut Aus Nord. Maybe 20 minutes go by and then they call me back. The nurse has my paper in her hand and tells me, "You're pregnant." and she has this huge smile on her face. I felt like I shriveled. I just looked down and said, "yeah, we'll see about that." She obviously didn't hear about the bright red blood clots. But to my surprise. Why was I still testing positive for pregnancy? Let's find out... introducing... the Professor Dr. Wurster.

I tell him about everything, the pregnancy tests, the blood clots, the pain... the symptoms I felt a week before I even knew that I was pregnant. He told me it sounded like an "abortion". But he wanted to look anyway to make sure. When I said "ABORTION?" he said, "Eh, the pregnancy is terminating itself." He needed to confirm if that was actually happening, so I had to get an ultrasound... two, actually... and they printed out five pictures. He showed me my uterus and where it was dilating. He also showed me where the fetus would grow but he said since I was under 5 weeks it couldn't be seen yet. The worst part was the scraping he did afterward the scraping and pulling and collecting of the blood clots. And watching him click and circle things, and saying 'there is fluid here. There shouldn't be.' I start to panic that,my test today still says positive. (As a defense mechanism I keep telling myself all these tests are a mistake. I even told Angie that its just a weird period. But she kept telling me, 'You are pregnant. Its confirmed and look at it. This isn't normal!' She would tell me in the bathroom. I was supposed to be on bed rest but I worked anyway. I had to be busy. My kids needed me.)

Afterward, he told me to get dressed and to sit down with him. I am shaking. He says we need to find out what to do. He said even though the tests are still positive with the nature and the fact I am still so early in my pregnancy it is hard to say if the fehlgeburt is complete or incomplete so he would measure my exact hcg levels and if they were still high and rising then the pregnancy could be dangerous. Ectopic. He said if it is that there is a risk when the fetus grows I can bleed to death or become very, very ill. If its ectopic and continues the pregnancy and I couldn't survive. WTF?! He said in the meantime, I rest and if I develope more pain or a fever to bring in my papers and go to the emergency room right away. We would know by 230 tomorrow where to go from here.

Numb. Sad. I didnt let them call me another cab, I rode trains and stared off into space. I called Diana and then called my therapist and left a message.

I didn't start crying until I called Marilyn. I then showed Rüdi both of my doctors notes. Again, I switched off and tried to remain calm. I met up with Angie, got an angry letter from Rüdi and my stepmom wrote to me. My dad is worried because I have been locking myself in my room and don't speak and he hears me crying.

He came into my room and asked me what was wrong. I shrugged and said nothing, rolled over in bed. He kept asking and then I told him everything. That I lied about my pregnancy. (I told him it was negative so he wouldn't worry. I should have told Dani the same.) I broke down. We talked for an hour. I then got a call from Rüdi.

I broke down again. I told him I was feeling better and then this happened. Before I told him about my pregnancy he thought my body was fucking up because of drug withdrawals. I told him about Dani being absent and about my manic episodes in Dec and Jan and how for the first time, my cycling was apparent to me and what I did on Friday. He stressed that I needed to tell David what I did and be honest and not worry about what he thinks. He also told me to not be so hard on Dani because he is probably just as shocked and devestated as I am and that he needs time. I didn't shit talk Dani, like I normally do. I didnt think in black and white and I admitted that I was harsh and abrasive to his feelings. Then I started to catch myself regressing. Where I am six again and start saying, 'I am bad. Bad. Bad.' We talked through it. I cried again and wished it never happened. He tells me it did though and I can only learn from it. I took some sleep meds and as I was falling asleep I got a message from Miki saying that I treated Dani like trash and I still do. I fell asleep wondering if it was true. I woke up thinking, it probably is but how can I fix that?

I have dull aches today, I am weak and have been trying to stay positive but my head is killing me and I have been asthmatic. But I am trying to work through it and pretend its not happening. I am telling myself I can handle it. And when David calls today... I have to tell him about Friday. I have to.