I'm just typing here

because I miss you... we fight a lot and things get lost in translation because texts are too cryptic. When I'm busy, I don't think about you... or you'll creep into my brain and I'll wonder what you're doing. I just can't help it and I want to jump on these thoughts like Mario bounces on gumbas... but then sometimes I jump too soon... and then I get really small or I lose my fireballs. Pretty soon I'm going to lose my continues.

Yesterday was so great because I worked, went to school for 5 hours and did really well on my midterm... and I didn't talk to anybody which is huge for me. I would just look at my text messages, half smile and then go back to my books. For the first time really, it's like I can study and it's beyond liberating. My biggest feat? I made you really small and didn't talk to you... but around 5am, my medicine wore off and there you were... I'm always impulsive with you but I'm trying not to be.

(I say you like you'll ever read this but I'm sure you won't.)

I mean, there are just a few things I want to tell you that aren't anything profound or whatever... but there is this author I really like and I want to tell you to put it on your kindle. I want to talk to you when I'm happy because I think I'm more interesting when I'm happy... I don't know why but my heart sinks sometimes when I think about you and I'm too afraid of things happening to our friendship although, I think things have been happening in our friendship for the past few weeks... and I wish that it could have been on better terms... like I should have just kissed you, at some point when you were sober.

I have this guy I could be dating. He's really nice, and he's a photographer, a musician... he's tall, smart, and we look good together. He is so nice to me... but I won't even let him kiss me... and I don't like to be alone with him when it isn't a public place. I could like him... I'm close to liking him... but there you are and there you stay.... and I'm ok with being alone... and it isn't like I'm starved of attention from the opposing gender or that I don't have other priorities.

Sometimes when you're drunk and talking to me or sick, I wonder if this is the only time you're ever really honest or if this is some warped version of your subconscious... and sometimes, when you are... I want to tell you things because I know you'll forget them.