I still need to work on my censorship. It's 230 in the morning and I can't stay out of the books or on discussion boards for my classes. Sadly enough? There are still times where I find it very difficult NOT to chime in inappropriately. For example, I ended one of my closing thoughts with this line, Where is the little thumb and like button when you need it? I mean, I feel terrible when I say, "Yes, yes... I'm scooping what you're pooping and I totally agree." <-- for lack of better words. Sorry if this offends anybody, especially you, Professor Sullivan.To you all, how much of your affirmation is in actuality reiteration? I find that a bit irksome, not that I have have any qualms with paraphrasing... the fact remains, or maybe for me... I'd feel inadequate doing it.Regurgitation. Poppycock. (I pictured myself saying poppycock with a pipe and a little monacle... because of this? I chuckled to myself.) Or I'll be listening intently in class and totally feel inclined to send Marilyn a text message that reads, "People look so super gay when they are eating small bags of food. Maybe this guy is just stupid looking to me... but he keeps staring at me. I want to turn around and very calmly poke him in the eye."
One of my greatest victories with my past experiences with adderall was my ability to detach. I become so emotionally engulfed in things beyond the realm of my control that I will actually let it take over and consume me. Yet at the same time, more recently anyway, I am too terrified to actually let people know how I'm feeling or who I am, or why I do what I do. It is easy to relate to somebody that is states or countries away... I feel it is easy to be honest and if they don't like it? What have I to lose? Yet we form these bonds, these understandings and appreciations for each other... because believe it or not, everybody else is just as fucked as you are... and you... and you, and YOU!
I have slept but a measely two hours and have been busy and pro-active all day, it is 2:30am and I have to wake in a few hours but I doubt I will sleep, I just transform into a robot and let the adderall take it's toll. This is the norm for me, this is how I worked for a year. Strangely enough, I just dissasociated myself from who I once was... I did not need people and feelings were absolutely irrelevent. I think things will be different now though because I'm older and have a lot more drive than ever before. I am just learning to distance myself when business needs to be handled. I still have a lot of growing up to do.
When I was young, I had no regard for my health and this time, this time I just want to do it the right way. In addition to the amphetemines, I am making sure that I can supplement my brain and body with the neccesary nutrients for natural flowing brain functionality. There are omegas high in EPA and DHA. Then I have my supplements for magnesium and I feel it is absolutely crucial to keep my body active and fit. My muscles kind of went into atrophy and I withered away, my teeth were soft... my eyes were sunken in... I never laughed anymore but I was focused... I had a goal and this goal was just to be busy all the time. I wanted to be a primatologist and still do, for the most part but I would like to finish other degrees first. I got a job offering at an internship in Gainesville... but soon moved to Nebraska where I lost sight of my goals. I didn't tell anybody I moved until after the fact, they just figured I disappeared to a new house and didn't want to speak to anybody. I stayed inside for months and read.
I rarely ever cry anymore... not the way I used to... but I did today because I had all the focus and the dedication to do what I had to do but I couldn't... because my mom was in hysterics because of this self-claimed 'emergency'... so I talked to her for hours and when I realized the time, I realized that Sid would be waking soon. So I just sat on the floor and cried for five minutes as quietly as I could. The dogs came to my aid, resting each of their big bodies on my legs and putting their paws on my hands as if they were brushing them softly. It was surreal. Everytime I'd get a text from my mom, Haley would push the phone away with her nose and growl. It makes sense, everytime I looked at my phone I'd cry. Then I held them both and it was all very hallmarky. It's like something you'd read about but know it didn't happen... but magical and surreal things always have a way of finding me.
I want to be a good teacher and role model for Sid. He really is the best little boy ever. I want to be a great friend... I want to think on the planes of conventional and slip away from the surreal. So that when the circumstances arises I can just as easily detach. I think my problem in life was always my way of seeking escapism in the most uncanny and unproductive ways. Looking back, I have no regrets... because each experience brings upon new insights. Escapism and detachment can go hand in hand but they don't neccesarily mean the same thing or have the same reprecussions. I must execute the latter and become a brick wall. It's basically the same concepts that Machiavelli preached about and it can be utilized for anything that is great but stagnating. I know this isn't flowery or articulate and maybe it won't make sense to you... but I write... this is what I do... and it makes me feel better. It's like crying... straight faced... but with your fingertips.
One of my greatest victories with my past experiences with adderall was my ability to detach. I become so emotionally engulfed in things beyond the realm of my control that I will actually let it take over and consume me. Yet at the same time, more recently anyway, I am too terrified to actually let people know how I'm feeling or who I am, or why I do what I do. It is easy to relate to somebody that is states or countries away... I feel it is easy to be honest and if they don't like it? What have I to lose? Yet we form these bonds, these understandings and appreciations for each other... because believe it or not, everybody else is just as fucked as you are... and you... and you, and YOU!
I have slept but a measely two hours and have been busy and pro-active all day, it is 2:30am and I have to wake in a few hours but I doubt I will sleep, I just transform into a robot and let the adderall take it's toll. This is the norm for me, this is how I worked for a year. Strangely enough, I just dissasociated myself from who I once was... I did not need people and feelings were absolutely irrelevent. I think things will be different now though because I'm older and have a lot more drive than ever before. I am just learning to distance myself when business needs to be handled. I still have a lot of growing up to do.
When I was young, I had no regard for my health and this time, this time I just want to do it the right way. In addition to the amphetemines, I am making sure that I can supplement my brain and body with the neccesary nutrients for natural flowing brain functionality. There are omegas high in EPA and DHA. Then I have my supplements for magnesium and I feel it is absolutely crucial to keep my body active and fit. My muscles kind of went into atrophy and I withered away, my teeth were soft... my eyes were sunken in... I never laughed anymore but I was focused... I had a goal and this goal was just to be busy all the time. I wanted to be a primatologist and still do, for the most part but I would like to finish other degrees first. I got a job offering at an internship in Gainesville... but soon moved to Nebraska where I lost sight of my goals. I didn't tell anybody I moved until after the fact, they just figured I disappeared to a new house and didn't want to speak to anybody. I stayed inside for months and read.
I rarely ever cry anymore... not the way I used to... but I did today because I had all the focus and the dedication to do what I had to do but I couldn't... because my mom was in hysterics because of this self-claimed 'emergency'... so I talked to her for hours and when I realized the time, I realized that Sid would be waking soon. So I just sat on the floor and cried for five minutes as quietly as I could. The dogs came to my aid, resting each of their big bodies on my legs and putting their paws on my hands as if they were brushing them softly. It was surreal. Everytime I'd get a text from my mom, Haley would push the phone away with her nose and growl. It makes sense, everytime I looked at my phone I'd cry. Then I held them both and it was all very hallmarky. It's like something you'd read about but know it didn't happen... but magical and surreal things always have a way of finding me.
I want to be a good teacher and role model for Sid. He really is the best little boy ever. I want to be a great friend... I want to think on the planes of conventional and slip away from the surreal. So that when the circumstances arises I can just as easily detach. I think my problem in life was always my way of seeking escapism in the most uncanny and unproductive ways. Looking back, I have no regrets... because each experience brings upon new insights. Escapism and detachment can go hand in hand but they don't neccesarily mean the same thing or have the same reprecussions. I must execute the latter and become a brick wall. It's basically the same concepts that Machiavelli preached about and it can be utilized for anything that is great but stagnating. I know this isn't flowery or articulate and maybe it won't make sense to you... but I write... this is what I do... and it makes me feel better. It's like crying... straight faced... but with your fingertips.
Wow. It's scary how your brain works just like mine.
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