Motivation and focus

Is hard. I just don't feel anything today.

I got another Ragababe for Mark last night. It was an impulsive buy, most things are. In fact almost everything I buy for the kids are impulsive spends. I know it will save money in the long run.

I get a little rush when I buy things. Is this the major thrill that comes with being a stay at home mom?

With my fleeting focus, I tried to gain some sort of productivity... video games? Welcome to the void! I won two matches and lost one before I gave up and decided to reheat my coffee and stare aimlessly at the trees, waiting for some thoughts and feelings to come to me while I smoked. Now? Here I am.

I'll try to keep track of my days from now on...even when there are no monumental moments of clarity or significance.

Hm. I couldn't sleep last night so I looked up all the sex offenders withing 0.3 miles of our house. There are 12! 12 men! I studied their faces in horror. I looked up their crimes and sank into the sofa. How are these men allowed to live in MY neighborhood? I didn't want that to be the last thing on my mind so I looked up old entries in my blog.

I tried to remember what it was like to feel like I had a purpose but it seems I've been just as directionless as I am now. I'd say it was frustrating but I don't even know if that's the word I feel... there are too many blanks.