Here is what's bothering me

Filtering and censoring my feelings. I know that one day a week I can talk to my therapist, which brings forth some clarity but I've been harboring animosity for a while.

I've let few of you in. There are times when I reach a breaking point and I'll cry about everything. But mostly, I'm disappointed. I've made mistakes. Life is about that but when my children are involved,  they are put first and foremost... always.

I've been thinking a great deal about pathology school. Forensic pathologist assistants are required a bachelors, and I'm halfway there. Forensic pathologists require 13 years of medical school.

As pregnant as I am, the thought of sifting through cadaver parts makes me cringe a bit but mostly because I have a bouncing babe in my womb that's sucking up all my energy and strength. I'm juggling my toddler as well. Arya brings me a lot of pride and happiness. I can listen to medical lectures whilst playing legos and that's pretty neat.

I get scared. I get afraid of having my baby and not having anybody by my side. Especially, not wanting a certain somebody there due to the stress and hurt they've caused. Mostly, they just piss me off for all the shit I have to deal with when I just want to grow my baby and be healthy.

To think that with all the shit I've gone through, my husband has become the most vile person I've ever had to deal with because they used my child as a pawn in their vindictive game, and threw my unborn child under the bus with this uneccesary fucking stress. The gaslighting, the manipulation and lies.

I've never wanted lightning to strike down on a person so badly. I've never wanted lightning to strike somebody over and over again and have them live... but if my anger doesn't haunt you... I hope something worse does... guilt. I hope it feeds upon you like a bunch of blood thirsty leeches.

There are times when I want nothing more than to scream at you... but you deserve none of it. You don't deserve to know how much I loathe you and how your shit affects me so much. Tomorrow in court, you don't deserve to hear my voice or the respect of me looking in your eye or glancing in your direction.... because people like you deserve isolation and emptiness.