Considering

ECT because let's be honest... I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse and the fear of losing control and dying is becoming worse and worse.

I've become a shut in... and five times a week I'm at appointments. I flare up and then I get a plethora of new meds to experiment with. They make me irritable, angry and my motor skills are affected. Awaiting disability doesn't make my quality of life much better. I can keep myself afloat with books, comics and video games. My writings are on hold. I forget my name... how old I am. Things are bad but not as bad as they can be.

Being human and mortal is a very disheartened thing to endeavor. I am like a crippled Hulk and everything makes me cry. I made a group to talk about things that make me happy but even that isn't working.

The procedure seems so archaic and to willfully shock people into seizures seems barbaric but poisoning myself with pharmaceutical companies and investing trust in doctors, that are probably going to be the death of me leaves me without a lot of options.  If I choose to stop my medications than the procedure will be forced upon me.

I need a break.