I just took on

A BALROG of a panic attack. I'm throwing out my grey robes and promptly waiting in bed for my whites to appear.

I hope Arya isn't plagued by these but if she is? At least I know how to ease her discomforts.

My friends are going through some tumultuous times and I am very sensitive to that energy. I've always been this way. I'll feel their hurt and it's like I'm a net... catching everything.

Hillary and I had similar dreams last night and she called me when I awoke. She told me the theater I dreamed of was there. It was odd. I also dreamed of Santi and he showed up at my door right after I got the call from Hillary.

My dream had blood, emergency rooms and all sorts of animals worshiping a god. So today had a strange feel... the air is heavier and eerie. Also, movie theaters and stolen books. But the blood... my gods... the blood. I woke up to my child scolding somebody in her sleep.

Today Arya and I sang and danced together. She would squee everytime I sang, 'Love me till my heart stops. Love me till I'm dead.' It's sweet and totally morbid. We also listened to rap and metal.

I watched B while Hillary collected some things from her home. I could feel energy from nowhere and it almost knocked me over. The panic was pooling into my mouth, and I felt violently ill. I had to drop B off with Lux and B started screaming and crying, while I dry heaved into the bathroom.

When Hillary finally returned, B had calmed down and then the the panic went from 88 to 95. I had to run outside because my blood felt like it was being sucked into a magnet in the atmosphere. My body was turning numb and I wanted to ferociously vomit my guts out but I was scared and had no energy. I hid between some trees and tried to shrink. Then I threw a cup of ice water all over my chest. The next on my face and got into my friend's freezing car.

I came home... still panicky and my daughter was just smiling so big that it crushed the rest of the panic. She was my 'you shall not pass' and I felt my body become normal again.

Panic attacks are bullshit. Its still being a lingering asshole that won't fall completely to the end and die... but I'm a naked Gandalf and I slayed that fucker.