Arya is hogging

My side of the bed... and I can't sleep because today has been so emotionally overwhelming. I dropped Lux off for work, attempted to go to the chiro (he wasn't in) and I had a coffee date with Sarah, which was awesome but circumstantially awkward... mostly because of all the phone calls.

Hillary did my hair before I went out. I keep trying to hang out with her more often but anymore, I cash in early and spend the night in bed exhausted and reading.

I felt really awesome until I met up with a new shrink, who decided to switch up all my meds. I went home frustrated and confused then after looking up all the side effects I became morose and that anchor thats been nestled into my gut just started to sink further. I called Safe Harbor and talked to some guy named Ken and my eyes started to leak.

Lux showed up with her mother. I just started bawling. I hugged Lux and asked her to bring her mother in. When Anna came in I asked her about the meds, if she knew what they were and then started crying. I felt like I was unleashing an unanticipated tsunami. I told her I was afraid and then everything that I'd been holding in... poured out. I made sure Arya didn't see or hear and I cried in her arms for about two hours, just telling her how I felt about everything... my heart is just sick and my grief had been subtle waves until then. My emotional angst is physically manifesting itself... I knew once I started, even the smallest sob... would be like a full out storm that I couldn't control. I'd just have to wait for it to roll over.

It sucked but I don't feel so full anymore. I guess empty wins... for now. I don't feel anything. I'm just amazed and shocked on how different my daughter becomes each day. She's so happy... and wonderful and her growing both astounds me and breaks my heart. My big girl still has to hold my face next to hers while I rock her to sleep and tell her how much mama loves her.

After that, Hillary and I talked on the phone for four hours, laughing, story telling and then we both cried (even though we have been tough bitches) we listened to each other and cried... no bullshit, just truth and support. This... this is going to hurt for a while, we both had to admit it to ourselves... and I know this. But I also know, I'm not made of glass... because if I was I would have shattered years ago.

I miss my papa.