stems from melodrama and I realize this. Being real with oneself, is this... I accept that I'm a flawed individual but at the same time I feel like I can be a damn good parent because I can be honest about these feelings.
The things I have a hard time vocalizing is my inner struggle with the ideals that coincide with my borderline personality disorder. I find that I always look for ways that my life could be one that is preferred versus what I can do with the reality I have to work with. The difference being... one is attainable and the other is not, the other is my daydreams carrying me away. My life has always been free and "book worthy" in my honest opinion because I've always been able to do what I wanted, when I wanted to. I had no debts and I definitely wasn't responsible for another creature... let alone, a human one at that.
I've proven to myself that patience and perseverance is a strength that I have overcome. Relationships and intimacy have always been a struggle with me... relationships in general are hard but to have a relationship growing inside of you while trying to maintain one on the outside says a lot about personal perseverance and strength, or at least it did for me. The circumstances that surrounded my pregnancy were not ideal, the hardships that I endeavored were not ideal (physically, financially, medically and mentally), even laboring and the feelings and obstacles that lingered afterward weren't ideal. I struggle every day... and there isn't a moment in time that I'm not stressed about one thing or the other. At the same time, I'm very fortunate that I have such a happy, healthy and wonderful child at the end of the day. I think I've put emphasis on this enough to a point where maybe I'm monotonously drawing out the issue.
I never envisioned parenting would be hard for me and in a sort of fairness, it isn't really... it's just a sacrifice of sleep and ones self. I'm lucky that I have a child that likes to sleep, likes to laugh and has paladin like strength. I am not planning her activities in a structural manner, like I thought I would... I'm aware of curriculum based around her age but I don't base my daily activities around simplistic teachings.
Instead, we learn German through industrial music, metal or whatever genre I feel is suitable for the day... depending on my mood. I tell her that I'm not feeling well when I don't... but that we'll make the most of the day. I read fantasy novels to her without pictures and she likes the way my tones range from character to character. She watches Game of Thrones with me... and giggles when we facetime grandpa or if I'm just playing a few rounds of Hearthstone. A few times, dad and I have xboxed while she lay in her bassinet just kicking up her arms and legs cooing. Age wise... these aren't appropriate... content wise, definitely not... but I feel that she is getting stimulation in a way that is educational and entertaining for all parties involved... and I think that's what is most important.
My child laughs... she tries to talk and her face lights up when she sees her mom and dad.
I can build myself up and get crushed on facades and ideals until my skin shrivels and I'm absorbed into the Earth... but in due time, I'm only cheating myself of the realities in front of me... and that reality is time waits for nobody so I must make the best of what I'm given.
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