Post Partum Depression (the struggle is real)

Hi Arya,

Mommy wanted to write you letters every month, in the womb and outside but it has been hard to function the way I used to and my brain has been plagued with a fog where most of the time I can only find you... you are my lighthouse and I love you so much that if I could fill my heart with words and all the feelings you make me feel... it would physically burst from it all. (If words and feelings were, in fact, physical.) They say when you're a mom you wear your heart outside in physical form and as cliche as everything I am saying is, you, my baby are my heart and your daddy's heart as well. We have so much love for you and thank you for making our lives whole... even if we failed to realize we were incomplete without you at first.

I always want to be honest with you and for you to know you can be honest with me. My love for you will be there until my last breath and will carry on even longer than that.

Mommy has a funny brain... I think and I worry so much that it makes me sick. I never believed I'd be able to give birth to you and hold you in my arms. I never thought I had deserved you and you are surprisingly, hands down, the most perfect and wonderful person/creature that I have the pleasure of knowing and what's best... you're mine and everybody that knows you loves you.

You're about ten lbs eleven ounces... and perhaps 23 inches by now. You've been through a lot so much... cross country road trips, three stays in the NICU and you're just getting over thrush. You're laughing for mommy and daddy and your personality is captivating.

You're still nursing but mostly on formula. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again... but those post partum hormones and medication withdrawals and introductions were so hard for me. To this day, I struggle with recovery.

There were times I felt detached but I never ever resented you or treated you badly. I would never forgive myself. My post partum involved me wanting to disappear and being weighed down by an unknown disparity and feeling I could never be good enough... because I wasn't happy and the depression would swell up in my body and bury me to a point where I no longer dig my way out. I was suffocating. Ispent a lot of time panicking and being angry at the world for no apparent reason and when you slept I cried... because I felt that parts of me were dying and I no longer recogized myself or knew who I was. I am convinced that there parts of me that have died... great things and not so great things that are better off dead.

I spent a few nights in the hospital when you were growing inside me because pregnancy was so hard for me... but I made it and here you are. I will tell you now and always when you're growing up... I don't know everything but I'll always do my best to help you find answers. 

I am writing to you now because I finally am starting to feel normal again and that fiery feeling in my chest full of love for you... is pushing out all the negative feelings that were like parasites consuming my whole essense. I would do anything for you. You are my child. We are a part of each other.

You were born to unwealthy parents but you have never been short of love or things you needed. I am so grateful that people have been so generous... and I have to say, your daddy has been patient with mommy even when it is nearly impossible to get through to me. That's how much he loves you and its proof that he loves me. It just goes to show you how important patience and love is. They must always coexist.

May you always be patient and kind... and trust us... we have had such a difficult journey but in the end, you have blessed our lives so much.

Thanks for being patient with mommy (and know that I may still need that same patience down the road). I will always be patient with you... or promise to try. But in the end I want to thank you. Thanks for existing and showing me that I could love something way more than I could ever love myself.

Love Always,
Mommy